On May 20, 2016 I started one of the greatest friendships I ever expected, on June 7, 2016 we decided to take it a lil further and he became my amazing boyfriend but then we hit a hard place and our relationship ended as quickly as it started. The depression I already was dealing with got worst, I was barely eating barely sleeping no drive to get out of bed and do normal people things.

Now me and the ex was still communicating from time to time, it wasn't great but we were talking so I was happy to at least have that. During our small conversations we talked about being together getting married having kids, but there was just one thing that was wrong my depression wouldn't allow me to accept that there is a man that actually loves me and wants me for who I am. Although I was struggling with that I made the decision to be apart of his life and have him apart of mine as well; Fast forward to September 1, 2017 I moved 500 miles away from my friends and family to be with the man of my dreams.

What a mistake, not being with him but being with him knowing that I didn't trust him to love me I didn't trust him to take care of me. I didn't trust him to take care my heart, the depression I was suffering from has taken over my mind completely. In my mind I wasn't getting enough attention, I felt unwanted, unloved, unworthy. I didn't feel valued, but in reality I had all of that he loved me, he gave me so much attention, he wanted me and not just physically. He made sure I knew my worth and he valued me more than I could have ever imagined.

But because of what I was dealing with mentally I made the mistake by trying to get what I thought I was missing from other men (no I didn't cheat, we'll not physically) but I allowed some inappropriate conversations to take place and well the amazing man I had, had found out and decided that it was too much to handle and told me I had to leave. On October 16, 2017 exactly one month and 15 days after I moved in I was moving out. The biggest mistake I made in my life was not cherishing the amazing man I had and thinking that he was like all the other bad men I dealt with in life. I never wanted a relationship with the guys I had conversations with on the side all I wanted was to feel appreciated and I went about it all wrong.

Now I'm lost I don't know what to do my heart hurts so bad and I feel so empty. I lost not only my boyfriend but my best friend I wanted to marry this man and have a family with him I still do. When I asked if the fight for our relationship was over and if we would ever have another chance at us, he said maybe at a later time. I have to rebuild myself so that my heart is ready for love and my mind is in the right place because I cannot and will not loose this man forever I'm barely handling temporarily. I pray that we are lead to each other again and that I get another chance at being his life partner, without him I am not whole.