I Hate This.

I didn’t want another baby just yet, we had finally decided to try this spring for baby #2 but not yet. Our son is almost 15 months and finally getting easier I don’t know if I’m ready for a newborn, after a chemical pregnancy two months ago I don’t know if I’m ready for the heart break. That’s why I decided to start birth control pills. I didn’t want to deal with disappointment and sadness of thinking I was pregnant every month due to irregular periods. And yet, here I sit staring at a pregnancy test just begging for a second line to show. I didn’t want another baby but at the same time I can’t stop peeing on sticks waiting for something to appear. I finished my birth control pack this month and no period. A little brown spotting Monday and nothing. Mood swings, exhaustion, painful headaches and sore breasts have put me all over the map. I kept thinking it will start I’m on the pill I’m good, maybe it will start after my new pack. Nothing. So here I sit confused and emotions everywhere again. I hate this so much. I just want an answer one way or the other. I feel like I’m going crazy because it feels like I have no control over my own body, I’m seriously two more negative tests away from a mental breakdown. 😭😭