I’ve had depression and been suffering from ptsd since I was probably about 6 years old is the earliest I can remember doctors talking about it. I was sexually abused by my birth father for many years and because of him I was attacked running away from the guy he gave me to for the night and since that attack my private area has had severe scarring because of the trauma. He went to jail when I was 8 for everything he did to my older siblings and me and has been there ever since. I’m now 21. I’ve never been the girl with friends because I wasn’t the type to pick on others or party or drink or do anything typical people in my town did so I was the outcast. Relationships were hard for me because I had a severe fear of getting hurt. My first boyfriend was my senior year of high school and he turned into my biggest fear. Abused me in every way imaginable. Almost killed me on more than one occasion before I could get away from him. My next boyfriend was understanding of my situation and never pressured me. But he also didn’t actually want to be with me. For him it was a relationship of convenience because I treated him the same way his mom did. I cared for him the same way. He was a mommas boy for sure. My only other relationship has been the current one with my fiancé. We’re having a child. But things aren’t great. He feels the relationship is perfect and everyday I feel more heartbroken. I’ve expressed my concerns with him but he tells me it’s all in my head which isn’t the most comforting. We had our first huge argument in months last night and he screamed at me to get out of his house (we live together). So I left. He begged me to come back to talk so I did. But we got no where. I still feel broken and lost. Our whole relationship I’ve told him I feel like I can’t make any decisions. I can’t do anything right because everything I say or do turns into petty arguments or passive comments. He asked me what the point of us even being together was and I couldn’t answer it so I asked if he even wanted to be with me. All he said was yeah I’m not the one with issues you are and went to bed.

Today was his day off we were supposed to spend it together and take baby bump photos together but he went into work anyone just to come home and go to the gym because that’s his routine.

I asked if we could talk when he got home and he said if I couldn’t text it it wasnt worth talking about. I’m at a loss. I’ve never been more depressed. I haven’t been sleeping from discomfort. No appetite I’m 19 weeks and can barely eat or do anything. I just wanted to talk rationally because we can’t keep going in the circle and I can’t keep feeling this way. My mom told me the stress isn’t worth it and I should leave and go home because i need to think of the baby.

What do I do?

Sorry for the long post. I’ve been crying all day. I just want to feel like I matter and every time I express any emotion to him I get no response except I’m just making things up or I’m out of my mind. He’s always blaming me for not smiling enough. Depression is something I’ve lived with forever. And I manage it very well (according to my therapist and other doctors that are aware of it). My family says I’m falling into a bad pit of depression and they don’t want to see me where I was a few years ago. Barely alive.

I’m scared. I feel alone in this. I don’t want my baby to be hurt. Advice please

Update:

I do go to counseling. Have not been on medication due to my lupus I can’t take certain antidepressants because they make that worse. I was at a point for years that I didn’t feel depressed anymore. But a few weeks after my fiancé and I got together it kind of sprung back into existence.

He won’t do couples counseling. He thinks any and all depression/anxiety issues are just a matter of convincing yourself they don’t exist and they go away. He thinks they aren’t legitimate. He understands I’ve been through a lot but his feelings are that I need to let the past go and just forget everything that ever happened. Which is hard because it shaped who I was as a child and as I got older.

When I talk about my emotions or anything other than saying I love you or what would you like for food his responses are short and usually mean. He makes a lot of sex jokes because he thinks they should cheer me up but I tell him every time they make me uncomfortable.