#metoo

While I am over joyed #metoo has gotten people talking about sexual assault, it lumps every survivor into a victim pool. However every survivor has their own unique story that does not deserve to be lumped into a pile of statistics. Take back the right of your story.

Here is mine...

When I was nine years old I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I did not tell until SEVEN years later to a crowd that did not believe me. My own parents doubted me; maybe they still do. I remember that corner of a dark basement. There was a long orange extension cord that was strung across the room. Attached to it was a red lamp with no shade. I can recall these details as if it was yesterday and sometimes it feels as if it really was. Even now I can feel the vomit rolling up my esophagus as my fingers dance across the letters of my keyboard. I remember thinking with my tan shorts around my ankles and tears silently rolling down my cheeks that this is what the rest of my life was going to look like. God was punishing me for being a bad christian and combative child. Little did I know the last time was not the end for me. A noncustodial parent found a pair of my bloody underwear stashed in a closet. I was instructed to dispose of my "nasty" underwear immediately.

I was 17 years old and developed a crush on an older boy. He was cute and mysterious; I was intrigued. As our friendship developed he would ask things of me I did not feel comfortable doing. This boy would then manipulate me by saying "If you really want to be with me you would do it" or "If you really loved me..." Due to my past experiences I thought this was how girls were suppose to be treated and I liked him, so I did whatever whenever it was asked of me. A couple of years passed and I decided I was worth more than being treated like a dog. Unfortunately, this person had taken a video of me being held face down into a mattress, without my consent. He used this video among other things to blackmail me into consenting to his desires. He told me repeatedly he would end my fathers political career. I love my daddy so I continued. This charade continued for four years. I did an extremely good job hiding this abuse from my family.

We now need to rewind a year or two...I was 17 when I was raped by a 'friends' neighbor. This man, who was 15 years my senior, groomed and manipulated me. I was such a lost little girl that was easily taken advantage of. What happened had gotten out and I did not want him to get in trouble so i owned it. I said I wanted it. My reputation was ruined beyond repair. However dealing with the fallout of the situation was easier than the shame of being a victim. I was 21 when the police hunted me down. That man had assaulted another girl. I have never felt so much guilt in my life. Had I just spoken up there would be no other girl. I still pray for her to this day. I am truly sorry.

When I was 19 I was drugged and raped by a coworker who also happened to be an illegal immigrant. I was in the 'safety' of my own home during this attack. Due to me falling in and out of consciousness I was not too aware of what was happening. I do, however, remember Princess biting the attacker in the ass. The next morning I took a shower and threw my sheets into the wash. I went to work as if nothing had happened but by that Friday I could no longer deal with the pain. I was so tired of being used, abused, and degraded. I confided in my consular who convinced me to report to the police. Upon my arrival they took pictures of the ligature marks and bruises that littered my body. I was also able to get a taped confession via a wire. When I left they promised they would keep me safe and apprehend my attacker. Unfortunately, I few days later a FEMALE detective scolded me for washing my body and sheets. She also said if I did not consent to a lie detector test the case would never go to trial; even though they had a taped confession. Things got so nasty I ended up having to hire a lawyer, who I will add helped me for FREE!! The case never went to trial and that man is still in this country.

If you have made it this far I hope you can see there is so much behind #metoo. While I was subject to this abuse I began to self mutilate. I would draw a bath with scalding hot water and scrub my nasty skin until it would bleed.I cut my inner thighs with a sewing needle I found in my mom's sewing kit. I unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide by overdosing on over the counter pills from my families medicine cabinet. It was a lot of work crawling out of the abyss, considering I have only spoken about these issues with my husband.

This summer I decided to get warrior tattooed in a arrow on my ribs. Many people have said to me "why did YOU get that tattoo?" like i did not deserve such a term branded on my skin. Let this be a testament to not judging a book my its cover.

As for my story, it is finished but the epidemic is not over.

* 1 out of every 6 American women will be the victim of a attempted or completed rape.

* 94% of the women experience PTSD

* 33% of the women contemplate suicide

* 13% of the women attempt suicide

We do not have to suffer in silence. To the 1 in 6 I support you. To the people who know someone is being abused in any manner and do not speak up, fuck you.

***IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE PLEASE CALL 1-800-273-8255****

For anyone who wants to slut shame me for posting a semi-naked photo of myself...my body has been owned by too many people other than myself. Today, I am taking it back.