A little background info: I’m a 20 year old female.

I started working at a phone store near my home. It’s a full time position so 10 hours a day. The guy who trained me on my first day is named Mathew, whom I refer to as Matt now. The first day I met Matt I could tell what a cool person he was. It’s strange because I’m the the type to develop feelings for someone out of no where. Anyways, about month in I realize holy mackerel this is the funniest, most intelligent and beautiful soul I’ve ever come across. I’m not exaggerating when I say that his smile kills. Present day, (5 going on 6 months at this job) we are EXTREMELY CLOSE. Like the BEST friends you’ll ever meet. I know everything about his life and he knows everything about mine. These past 6 months we’ve spent 10 hours a day 6 days a week together. (You do the math). That’s a lot of time together. Within this time, we shared nothing but dirty little secrets, played games of would you rather, even opened up of sexual experiences and spiritual beliefs which we both have in common. We both believe that we’ve known each other in a past life. Our similarities are ridiculous. That’s not it. Since the beginning he’s treated me with the most respect I’ve ever received. He’:ma so perfect it scares me sometimes. We have a shared phone plan which he pays. He always buys me lunch. He’s the sweetest guy ever. Here’s the issue. Two months into the friendship before I realized I was really in love with him and it was just a crush. I found out that not only is he gay, but he has a boyfriend that he lives with. Now, remember I found this out two months into the friendship so that’s like 4 months later and I’ve had dinner with him and his bf already. Been over there house. It’s insane. His bf works right across the street from our job. Like right in front. Sometimes he hangs out outside when his store isn’t busy and I even say hi. I LOVE HIM. (His bf) I love both of them to death. The problem is I’ve been trying to convince myself since month TWO when I found out he was gay. That it was NEVER gonna happen. That I can’t change his sexuality. And regardless he has a boyfriend. I guess I just came on here for some emotional support any advice will help. Even tough love. I KNOW THE TRUTH ALREADY. He can’t love me in the way I want. But we tell eachother “I love you” at least 3 times a day. Either joking, in serious dialogue or just to say it. It’s tearing me up inside because when I see a romance movie I think of him. When see a family with a beautiful dog at the park I imagine it be him and I in the future. I don’t think ANYONE has ever made me laugh as much as this kid has. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And he expresses the same. The problem is he loves me in a different way. And he won’t ever love me the way I love him... it’s got to a point where I have daydreams while we’re working and he’s actually caught me and asked what I’m thinking about. Or what’s bothering me. And l have to act like everything’s okay. Its insane how he knows when I’m really not. I’ll either make something up or tell him nothing I’m just spaced out. I keep imagining us together in a romantic rose petal bath. I’ve had multiple sex dreams or just dreams of us kissing and doing things couples do. The more I try to convince myself to let it go and that it’s not gonna happened no maters what, the more I want him. The more I think about it. Its impossible not to think about him guys. I think about him all the time. It’s sounds like an obsession but me and him joke about being obsessed with each other. Like when I feel like he’s flirting with guys who come in our store I’ll make snide comments and he’ll do the same if I flirt with a guy or girl (im bisexual) which gives me a better understanding on how him being with me is out of the question because I can’t imagine being forced or trying to just like men and not women. We are what we are. Sorry this is so long I needed you guys to get a good understanding of my situation. Here’s my question. Do I tell him? Do I hold it in? Do you think if I tell him it’ll ruin our friendship or make things weird? If You think I should tell him how should I go about it? Please I’m begging someone for answers? I’m extremely desperate and crying tears of joy for having this person in my life while crying tears of pain because he’s not in my life the way I want him to be. I hate this feeling of being selfish. And ungrateful. I can’t help these feelings. HELP.

-Desperate

*EDIT*

So I decided to quit my job and put some distance between myself and Mathew. I don’t feel like it’s healthy us being around eachother so much when I know I have strong feelings towards him. It’s emotionally unhealthy for me. I have bipolar disorder type 2 and a severe depressive disorder (he’s aware of this and he’s been my support system) the only problem I’m facing now is how weird Im and uncomfortable I’m going to be around him. I’m a great actress so I can pretend nothings wrong but I just don’t want to anymore. I feel like im faking or hiding something. But a lot of you in here told me it would be best not to tell him about my feelings for him. The thing is he’s going to notice a change in my behavior because at this point i just want to ignore him for two weeks at least. I’m even considering ending the friendship because it’s the only logical option since I can’t tell him I love him in that way, and I don’t want to see or speak to him. Since I quit my job two days ago we’ve only spoken once. I cried myself to sleep last night because I always feel like this happens to me. I fall in love with people who are emotionally unavailable but i obviously don’t intend to. These are people who fall into my life and I can’t control my emotions. It’s only been one day since I talked to him and i already miss him. I feel crazy almost. Any help would be nice guys. you know I don’t mind tough love or honest opinions. I’d rather the truth. I know it hurts more but what do you think I should do. I’m also considering seeking therapy since I’m unemployed currently I see it as a perfect opportunity.