So let me start off with my acknowledgement. I am the crazy girlfriend.

I don't like to be. I wish I was more of a 'what I don't know won't kill me' type of girlfriends. I wish I was more relaxed. I wish I didn't care so much sometimes, so I didn't do what I do.

As some background, I have severe abandonment issues, which pair horribly with my lack of self love or worth. I am a snoop, I am probably the worst kind of girlfriend.

I check my boyfriends messages, even though I know I shouldn't. Nor has he really given me a reason to. (Other than one small time. In theory I blew it way out of proportion but given the circumstances and my hormones, I felt like it was valid.)

I want to change, but I can't. He knows and accepts this, but I feel so bad for him. I hate being this way. I am always just so nervous he is going to find someone better, that he can so easily. I know it's a cheap sorry excuse, but it's all that I've got.

We are newly engaged, but I still can't help but worry. Everyone says to follow your gut instinct but when it comes to him it's always horribly wrong. He is such a fantastic man, and sometimes I feel like my crazy blows it.

We've known each other for the longest and he has been the love of my life for about three or four years now.

In June, I found out I was pregnant. But we had decided to get an abortion, which every day I regret to the fullest extent. Now, we are trying to conceive, to do right. To make up for it even if it's impossible.

A few weeks after the abortion, I saw a message to his mother that read 'Sshhhhh don't tell Shelby but I am going to go hang out with Sam and she doesn't want me to.'

I was furious.

Sam, is his friend. But, I just can't get on with him. He is gay and no that isn't the reason, he just very obviously has feelings for my boyfriend. (Using the term fiancé just never sounds right. )

I have met Sam on multiple occasions, and the first few times he was very pleasant, but by the next times when I got to see him drunk-he was the opposite.

I am a very firm believer that when you are under the influence you are your true self. So this was a huge eye opener for me.

I never minded if he saw Sam, and had said so a million times. I just didn't want to go.

This happened while I was at work, and he had gone home sick from work, using my car to go over to Sam's. It made me uncomfortable because he didn't tell me and I found out..about a week later.

If he would have told me, I wouldn't have been nearly as angry.

But that is when I got worse. Considerably worse. I felt betrayed and sick.

I had just given up something I had wanted the most with the abortion, I had stopped going to school because I moved up to a different state with him, and that night we argued so badly that I had made myself sick and lost my dream job.

I know that none of that is his fault, and I'm not bitter about it. I guess I'm just really using this time to vent.

I hate being THAT girlfriend. I hate being snoopy, I hate making myself sick with worry when I know there is nothing to worry about.

I am just so terrified he is going to slip through my fingers, and mentally I guess I am self sabotaging.

But I am going to also take this time to thank him for putting up with my bullshit. He has been there through it all.

He is the most lovely person in the world, he is so helpful and kind. I can't get enough of him.

He is the one I want to grow old with but I'm so worried I am damaging that every time I get like this.