How is possible that I miss you when I'm the one who made the decision to finally let go?

I sometimes tear up a bit because I don't have someone to wake up to anymore. I don't need to drag myself off the bed to make US breakfast anymore ; it's just myself. I don't have to stress over what sides I should make with our main course for dinner to fill you up, nor do I have to make sure your clothes are clean for work the next day.

I loved doing these things for you and although cliché to say, a piece of me has been missing since I've asked you to leave. We were two peas in a pod; best friends since day one.

As the Holidays approach all I can think of, are the memories we shared whether they were good or bad, as long as we were together.

2 years passed and although complicated, my love for you was evident and I wasn't ashamed for the world to know. We went through extreme highs, and ridiculous lows throughout our relationship but I figured they would make US stronger & unbreakable. But one day while we were having one of those LOW- lows, and I was at work, you grabbed all your things & just left me.

The experience was traumatic ; I was devastated. Every single item of you yours, gone. All that was left were my belongings, myself, and the ridiculous amount of tears flowing down my face from how heartbroken I was. What hurt the most was that a couple nights prior, you had told me you respected me enough not to leave before we came to a decision together, and instead you took the day off of work to move all of your things out.

Next to losing my parents, that had to have been one of the few times I've literally felt my heart hurt. I swore I'd never let that happen again, until I did. You came back around, & again we tried working things out.

It all seemed like it was nice and stable, and as if we were really getting somewhere together in life. We were so in love that we believed we were ready for a child. (Silly me.) we spent several months trying and discussing this future child....

Then one day we get in a big argument and the following day WHILE I'M AT WORK, you take all your things and leave AGAIN. You say we're done and maybe later on we can work things out. A week passes and you're back to staying at my place. You said we're not together, but months pass and all but the title is just about the same. Oh and you stop financially contributing and stay out til 3 am with "family" @ church events.

The funny thing is i allowed it all as long as you had communicated better and you just called to tell me what you were doing. You chose not to; to call or text. You chose to come home whenever you wanted, drunk off your ass trying to rub up on me not knowing where you've been.

After 2 years of this repetitive cycle, and you telling me I'll NEVER leave you, I finally LEFT YOU, and i miss you but I DON'T.

I never wanted to leave you and start over with someone else, but you took advantage of my love for you which ended up sabotaging our relationship.

Maybe the years will pass, and you'll do some growing up. Maybe our paths will cross and we can find that best friend in each other again. And although I'm gonna miss you from time to time, I know this physical breakup was completely necessary.

I wish you the best in the future, my ex boyfriend. 😓💔