TRIGGER WARNING! GRAPHIC CONTENT!!

When I was 12 years old, I was raped by four strange men. I am 18 now and my mom just found out. I’m just now starting to deal with it. I have panic attacks, depression, PTSD, I struggle with anorexia, I’m suicidal, I have anxiety. These four men, took everything from me. I was walking alone on the campground I was staying at with my grandmother, it was late and I couldn’t sleep so I snuck out to go for a walk. I walked too far. I got to the playground that was located on the other side of the campground and was sitting on the swings with my headphones in, blissfully unaware. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see movement so I turn and see a man, college aged walking towards me with a smile on his face. I pulled an ear plug out and smiled back waiting for him to say something. “What’s a young lady like you doing out here so late?” I figured he worked for the campground and replied with I can’t sleep I’m sorry blah blah. I got up to walk back and he offered to walk me...I was uncomfortable. I said no thank you. He grabbed my arm. I screamed, he punched me in the gut. I fell to the ground in pain and fear. He told me if I didn’t stay quiet, he’d make me stay quiet so I obeyed. Worst choice of my life, and the choice that makes me feel responsible everyday. He took me to a trailer where three other guys the same age were and from then on the worst thing to happen, happened. They touched me, I said no. I begged no. The more I begged the harder I was hit or my hair was pulled or they just got rougher with me. They threatened me with a knife to let them into my mouth...after they all finished with me, one of them came up to me and sliced my leg with the knife as a warning to keep silent...I did it worked. There were so many things I wish i did differently. And part of me wonders why they didn’t kill me, another wishes they did...sorry for the graphic content...I have no where to go with this...