Love lost learn give me your feedback 😊

I have a typical and weird love story i was with a man emotionally abusive and thought that was right . Had a man that was naive and being emotionally abused as well help me bellieve in myself and love myself and i was his support as well. We were together for four years but i couldnt leave my abusive partner and so he got tired and went and got married and i wished him well and all he did was look for me and want me . We were seprated for 4 years i tried to change my abusive partner ways and give him that chance. But my heart was with that other guy he came back to me and gave me a beautiful white wedding that was my dream , i never had always was common law with my 2 kids from abusive guy . We were seperated finally because i couldnt take anymore i knew it was wrong. But this new guy and i have a total of on and off 9 years he has no kids and does not want any with me he says he wants to enjoy our time as we never did the first time around . I want to have one with him as our love that has been to hell and back . What to do ????He came back by himself no white magic black magic calling him looking for him nothing!! I put it in my mind he died the day i wished him well.