Pain every damn time 😔

so I lost my virginity a little over 8 months ago. I was hesitate but ready in a way to do so as I was molested as a child. And thought that having sex would some what make me over come this fear I had of sex for a long time. So at the time I thought being nervous was normal and I reassured myself this is what I wanted and I was ok.

I also had pretty serious surgery in February to remove a cyst down there. It was a very traumatic experience. and have a background of endometriosis.

The first time I had sex I didnt bleed because I don't think we even had sex it was like hitting a wall. And every time he just kept coming out after a few seconds. Second time was a little better but I bled everywhere and being fingered was so so painful. Same with the third time. A little later down the track in July I had attempted penetration again, did. Not. Work. But no blood this time. Hitting a wall again. I was so frustrated.

Fifth time, was a week ago. I thought surely this is it, the night I finally have painless sex. I've had sex four times so by now I should be right?

And I actually really like this boy.

And yet again, every time he tried to penetrate or finger me I would jump out of my skin and my legs would literally be trying to shut. It was terrible. I've been really upset the past few days, because I feel ready for sex and I so badly want it to be good. I even tried to use a tampon the other day and no luck. But I can't help thinking my mind plays a massive roll in why this happening. I'm at the point where I want to seek professional help, but I'm so scared. Can anyone please help me 😞