No one ever told me this would be easy.. but they never told me just how hard it would be...

-start vent-

The day has finally come... my beta blood test after the dreaded two week wait. I've been on pregestrone since 3 days post <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">iui</a> and so my symptoms were fully showing. I even had a dream that the doctor was excited to tell me that I was Prego. I woke up extra early to get to the doctor first thing to get my blood drawn. I should have been super excited but on my drive home... I just have a very sad feeling. Something inside me was telling me don't get excited because it was going to be a negative. I even thought of my reaction in my head when the doctor would call to tell me.. just be cool and collected. At 3:30 I got the call..."um.. hi lauren it's Vicki from the doctors.. I am so very sorry to tell you that your pregnancy didn't stick" .. cool and collected went right of the window and tears started streaming down my face. I had to apologize to the nurse and tell her that I'm not sure why I was reacting this way.. her response "it's okay.. it's completely normal.. you need to let yourself grieve over this process and then dust off and try again next round"

6 hours later and I'm still feeling bad for myself. I just think of people who have multiple children at my age and wonder what made me different from them. Why is my body not working. What did I do to deserve this.

On one hand I feel sorry for myself... like is this punishment? I just keep thinking of things that could have caused this... yet I can't figure it out.

And on the other hand I think about my husband. I remember our conversations pre-engagement and wedding and just remember all of our hopes and dreams.. to raise a beautiful family together and to start right away... he didn't sign up for this. He thought he was marrying a woman who had her shit together yet in reality he married someone who was broken.

I'm mad at all the days I woke up and drove to my doctor at 7:00 am to get an ultra sound and blood and all the money and hopes that went along with every visit.

I'm sad for all the of women I watched walk in and out of the offices having the same check ups done but hopeful that there outcomes were better and happier than mine.

I'm very upset at the doctors who mis-diagnosed me when I was younger and to my gyno who just threw birth control at me to just regulate me instead of working with me and figureing out the answer properly.

To just be diagnosed with PCOS at 32, when I'm finally financially ready and just at that point in my life to create a family is the worst joke to be a part of. In the last 11 months I have taken over 100 opk and pregnancy test and have never seen a positve test on one.

To hear someone tell me to just relax and let it happen or it's not my time.. or that I lack patience... please!!! This process is a million times harder than I thought it would be. I have good days and I have bad days and today was a bad one. An emotional rollercoaster.

My goal is to be a mom..my first <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">iui</a> was a fail... but I'm going to get back up and move forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

-end vent-

Baby dust to all ❤️