Short version: my husband is sending me articles about the importance of sex in a marriage. I wish I could find something that could articulate "the sexiest thing you could do right now is be a dad. And then I'll want to have sex with you." any leads? 🙁

Long version: Our little guy is 8 weeks old. And these 8 weeks have been hell... Yes, being a new parent is hard and I've never been this sleep deprived in my life. But that hasn't been my hell - my marriage has.

We've been happily married for six years, and always said we wanted children one day. I was diagnosed with PCOS and we wondered if I would be able to get pregnant - and with some medical help I did fairly quickly! Husband was happy at first, but was traveling my whole first trimester as I puked my way to a fractured rib. I learned to do my pregnancy on my own, which I am very capable of as an independent woman... But after giving so much of myself to my husband, I didn't want to have to be that independent woman. I thought it would be a partnership. And as the pregnancy went on, he refused to read any of the dad books and hated talking about it. I found myself having to pretend I wasn't pregnant. He dove more and more into his work and went into the office even in his vacation time. He stayed away from me.

Then our labor day came! He was amazing support as I went through 50 hours of labor and some small medical scares. The baby came and he happily texted por photos of the baby to his friends, family, and colleagues.

We got home on a Tuesday. He was back in the road for work by Friday. And I know it is a busy time for his job, so I wasn't surprised to be by myself half of the time. I would just count down the days until he was home again.

Work is not going well. He's coming home late, dog tired. He asks if I can just let him sleep and take the baby all night, and he'll be better tomorrow. If I could just get the baby on the bottle, he'll help with nighttime feeds then. That was 5 weeks ago, and he's never done a nighttime feed. He doesn't wake up at night.

He doesn't like the baby. He has no interest in helping, or even engaging. I try to ask him to be a part of the "fun" stuff: baths, storytime, tummy time. Nope. "All he does is cry," he says. "I can't imagine ever wanting another kid," he thinks outloud. "Looking back on it, do you actually think this was a good idea?" he questions. And while I appreciate his honesty, it hurts every time. What I hear: "Look what you've done."

I've now been medically cleared for sex. My stitches are healed, but I'm warned it might hurt. Husband has been counting down the days to this appointment, subtly hinting that he "can't wait to express his love for me." I cringe. I'm nervous about the pain but we go for it. And HOLY FUCKING SHIT that is literally the most painful thing. We have to go so slow. He orgasms. I bleed.

But the next day I can already tell his spirits are up... He had gotten so bad that I explained I was existing with a shell of my husband, because there was nothing left inside. Maybe he has depression? Maybe he needs to see a doctor. Maybe he needs to quit this job. All I know is that he's not there anymore. But now that we've had sex, he's looking a little more chipper. He held our baby for almost ten minutes, even (but then he fussed and he gave him back).

And now the next day he's wanting sex again. It hurts to pee. To walk too quickly. It feels like the first week out of the hospital all over again. I admit to him that I'm in more pain than I imagined, and I can't. So we make out, and he keeps telling me he wants to show his love for me by fingering me. I don't want that. I want a solid marriage. I want him to want to engage with our baby. The sexiest thing he could do right now is argue with me about a bedtime routine, or ask how the two month shots went this week (does he even know we had those shots?). Even sexier? He can tell me I'm doing a good job, thank me for giving my body to nourishing our son. He tells me how great my boobs look. That he wants to make me orgasm three times.

Apparently, I'm ruining the mood because I keep frowning. I'm not "into it." he tells me he feels humiliated. He's tired of asking for affection. I tell him I personally need our relationship to be in a better place. I apologize. He says he's always the villian in my mind. I stay quiet, because he's too defensive for this to be productive. I apologize. I apologize.

He's on the road again today for work. I get a text during his layover with an article that outlines how sex is not only a physical need for men, but also emotional, spiritual, relational. "Your husband's sex drive is God's gift to you." Am I going to have to leave the Christian faith so I don't have to read this shit? That's extreme - sorry, God.

The sexiest thing he can do right now is be a dad. I wish my thoughts and feelings could manifest themselves in an article, too.