collision between me and the word

I have been mentally abused for years and I didn't want to tell my family because my mother has health issues- diabetes and is constantly stressed and she works without having a day off. Through the years the mental abuse reflected my physical health as well I lost almost 30 pounds and I can't say that I am totally depressed because now compared to the last two years I am feeling relatively good but I am not self confident since then and I am almost constantly thinking about the time when I will die . My thoughts are totally concentrated on that I couldn't be able to make progress in my life , I have lost motivation for anything , I feel some kind of anxiety I don't know how to describe it as if I feel much more mature than anyone else at my age( I will turn 19 soon) because of what I have come through I feel melancholic and I don't want to talk to other people , becoming introvert .I know that I myself make my life awful but that is how I feel all the time.