My entire life I’ve had an odd relationship with sex, and have had very violent sexual fantasies that have sometimes scared me. I do not actually enjoy sex very much and have trouble coming to an orgasm. I usually have to do it by myself.

I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me in this aspect. Why did I fantasize about being raped? Why did I watch violent pornography? I always thought I was a little sick to be honest.

It wasn’t until recently that I regained some suppressed memories through meditation. I was molested by a strange man when I was 5 in the swimming pool bathroom. I don’t remember much other than bits and pieces, but since I’ve remembered this, I’ve had trouble trying to move on from it. I keep thinking, did he hurt me so badly and that’s why I am having trouble conceiving?

I’m also struggling because I haven’t told anyone. Not my parents, not my SO. I’m afraid to. I also keep wondering, will I ever be able to rid myself of these violent sexual thoughts that creep into my mind sometimes?

I’m not really sure of the point of this post. Anyone in similar shoes, do you have any advice for me? Thanks in advance.