Ladies, unfortunately this is going to be kind of a rant. I'm not sure yet how long this will end up being but here's the situation. My lmp was Sept 2. My original due date was June 9th 2018 and my first ultrasound was this past Sunday. I should have been around 12 wks 1 day. My baby measured at 7 wks 3 days and the ultrasound tech could not find a heartbeat. Of course my initial reaction was pure devastation, but here's where it got interesting for me. ◾I had to wait until today, two days later to get confirmation on what I already knew that the tech "couldn't tell me" which had me flat out pissed. I wasn't pissed at the tech, just at the situation. ◾The last two days have been crazy amounts of self loathing by both me and my husband because we just got married and felt invincible when we found out about the pregnancy, so of course we ran around and told EVERYONE that I was pregnant before our ultrasound. So we've had to talk to EVERYONE about the loss. ◾The amount of ignorance that we found in our friend and family circles has been completely annoying and disheartening. I had to explain to over half of the people I was informing that a 5 week discrepancy means that this is HOPELESS. ◾Then it hit me. I've been carrying my dead fetus inside me for over a month. I'm not only not pregnant, my baby was dead inside me long before I ever told some of these people that I was pregnant. ◾Were all of my pregnancy symptoms in my head? Have my boobs been sore just because I've been thinking that they should be? Or does my body still think I'm pregnant? How long until my body figures it out?◾What if my body figures it out while I'm at work? I really don't want to have such an emotionally and physically draining experience while pretending that Table 12's ranch for their spoiled kid is the most important thing at that moment. ◾What kind of damage will a D&C; do to my body? Will it harm my chances of a successful pregnancy in the future? Will it make me feel even remotely better knowing this whole drawn out ordeal is over? ◾My Obgyn couldn't get me in for a D&C; until Monday. He's worried about infection. He offered me some serious drugs to help with pain and anxiety. I turned him down. ◾I want to feel this. My body needs closure. I've been crying alot the last 2 days, but my body still FEELS pregnant. ◾Maybe I can Google some of my questions, see if that helps. Nope. just makes everything worse. ◾So here I am ladies, ranting to whoever wants to read this novella about my thought processes during this whole ordeal. I'm hoping that if anything this will remind you, whoever you are that you aren't alone, and that what you are thinking, or what you are feeling is ok, and normal. ◾We will never forget our loss, but we can and will heal. Women are resilient that way. I love you for your strength in these trying times.