April and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month...
At the beginning of my last cycle, I went to my RE to have my ultrasound done, and start my third round of Clomid, only to find that my uterus wasn't "ideal" for an embryo, so he said to keep trying, but no Clomid this month.
I was devastated, I felt like..."I already suck so bad at making babies that I need fertility meds, and now I suck so bad that I can't even take the meds." I came home and cried my eyes out, prayed, and then got up and brushed myself off and continued on. My husband was away at a three day men's retreat with our church when I finally ovulated...we tried the day before he left and the day he got back for good measure...but we've never missed ovulation day before. I couldn't seem to keep it from adding more hopelessness to an already hopeless situation.
The rest of the month has been depressing and as strong as I try to be, I still wake up everyday and honestly feel like "I'm never gonna have kids." Every. SINGLE. DAY. And it breaks my heart each time.
And now here I am, 16DPO, I was supposed to start my period two days ago, and I'm still waking up every morning and wasting another pregnancy test just for another BFN. Not that I believe I will get any other result, but it still stings. For the first time on this journey, I was excited to start my period! Ready to start fresh and have hope again! It just seems to add insult to injury that my period hasn't come yet and I don't feel like it's coming any time soon.
On the day I came home from my RE's office in tears, I prayed that God would reveal his will for my life. I asked that if His will was not for me to have kids, would He please take away the desire. I felt like it was just cruel to deny me the only thing I've ever wanted in life, but to leave me wanting it nonetheless. After some thought, I do realize, as much as it hurts, that God may have a reason for keeping me in this state of desire. I don't know if He will grant me children, but I can see now how having me live in this turmoil could be used to shape me into the person He wants me to be. I don't know who exactly that is yet, but I'm thankful that I can at least see beyond my pain and envision a reason for all that I'm going through.
While I wish I could say that makes it easier, it doesn't. It helps me not to be angry at God...but it still really sucks.
...I can't wait for this month to end.
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