So everything started on Friday when I was 9 weeks and 6 days pregnant when I went to the bathroom and there was a few very tiny blood clots, barely there but I thought that I would call my doctor anyway. He, and all the other doctors at that office had gone home so I rang emergency to see if I should come in, they couldn’t give advice on the phone so I rang the medical hotline that the hospital provided the number for. They said it shouldn’t be anything to worry about but to go to the hospital that afternoon to make sure. My partner and I got to the hospital and waiting in the waiting room for an hour before the nurse did a blood test and a urine test. Then, my partner and I had to wait in the waiting room for another 3 hours before they decided to do an ultrasound (we were so excited because it was our first one and everyone at the hospital was acting as if everything was absolutely fine). I fill my bladder and go in the ultrasound room, she can’t get a good enough look at baby so she asks me to empty my bladder and to do an internal ultrasound. Seeing our baby up on the screen brought the biggest smile to my face and I said wow our baby is so beautiful.. she went quiet and a little while later she’s said that she was so sorry and that she could not find a heartbeat. My heart broke and I started crying instantly. After this a doctor came in and said to go home and see if my body finishes the miscarriage on its own as I couldn’t book for a d&c; until Monday.

Sunday came and I started bleeding with painful cramps to follow. I was given panadine forte for the pain after 3 hours in the waiting room and told that a lady would call me in the morning with a plan. That night my partner and I said goodbye to our baby together under the full moon.

Monday morning comes and with it the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. If I wasn’t in a boiling hot shower I was crying in pain, couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk and was throwing up because of the pain. The doctor the previous night said a lady would call before 10am and we could go down and talk to her and create a plan to complete the miscarriage. We waited and waited while I was in agony (the only reason we didn’t go to emergency is because I could barely walk so I couldn’t see myself being able to sit in the waiting for another 4 hours). The lady FINALLY rang at about 12:30pm and she asked how I was and I told her how much pain I was in and that I was throwing up and she said to come in at 2pm or if my pain continued to increase to come in sooner. I had another hot shower until the hot water ran out and told my partner that I couldn’t wait any longer and to help me get dressed and go as soon as I was done in the shower. We got to the pregnancy care ward and I was in so much pain I couldn’t sit in the chairs I had to be on the floor. We waited 20mins (which felt like hours) to be seen by the midwife where then she took one look at me and called for the doctor immediately. The doctor came and was trying to organise a d&c; not only because that’s what I wanted, but also what she thought was best for me. We filled out all consent forms and questions while I was dying in pain on the bed in the office. While she phoned the theatre to prepare the operation for that night I excused myself to use the bathroom. As soon as I stood up and river of blood was pouring into my sanitary pad as I waddled to the toilet. I sat on the toilet and looked down and watched my baby fall into the toilet amongst copious amounts of blood and other tissue. I can not forget the sight of my baby in the toilet bowl. I was still pouring out blood and I knew it was t over. The hardest thing was to flush my baby and I feel so guilty about it. I just didn’t want someone else to walk in and be horrified. I walked back into the room with my partner and the doctor and explained what happened. We decided to go ahead with the planned d&c; that evening to make sure everything was gone. I was still in so much pain. I got moved to a maternity room where I had a doctor check my cervix with a speculum and did blood tests. They were going to give me fluids and morphine but the operation got moved forward an hour and a half so they were rushing around trying to prep me for that. They wheeled me up to theatre and explained what was going to happen and how everything was planned to go and I was terrified because my partner wasn’t with me and I’d never been put under before. I had a lovely nurse who talked me through and calmed me down. They put me under and what felt like a blink later I was awake. The nurse put fluids in my drip and morphine injection in my stomach to ease my cramping (they said I was one of the very unlucky few that suffer labour and birth-like pains). After them checking me over in recovery I was wheeled back down to my room in maternity where my partner anxiously was waiting for me. Everything in the operation went well and they gave me juice and a sandwich to eat, monitored my blood pressure, and watched me wee. After that told me I was ok to go home. I felt so happy that it was finally over.

I am absolutely heartbroken but I feel like sharing my story might help another person who is struggling. We loved our baby so, so much.💗