Mad at the world

Gu

I’m really struggling. I’m angry, stressed, and sad. Im being very distant and mean and I can’t help it. I don’t know how to better handle my feelings. Any advice on any part of this would be appreciated.

I had my son 11 months ago and since having him I have been so angry with my parents. I lived with my grandparents from when I was 6 months old till I was 5 and only went back to live with my mom because my grandpa died. I have always been able to justify it. I told myself Dad wanted to go to school and get a good job and that my mom just was a train wreck and couldn’t take care of herself let alone a baby so it made sense leaving me. But now that I’m a mom I can’t even comprehend how they could leave me like they did and I honestly kind of hate them for it. I don’t know how to move past these feelings of anger towards them.

My mom and I have always had a really rough relationship. She has struggled with drugs and alcohol my entire life. She has never really had a job and has always been a free spirit. I pretty much raised my 3 younger siblings since she was so unreliable. I moved out of state half way through my senior year and went home for the first time since a few months ago. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten since I had left. (When I left my sister moved across the country to live with her Grandma and my youngest brothers Dad got custody of him so my mom only had one child left) upon arriving at my moms house I discover my mom was missing and having a major manic episode (that’s what the police are calling it) she was paranoid, she thought she had healing powers, she was speaking very quickly, unable to formulate coherent sentences, etc. I ended up having to call the police on her my brother got placed in foster care (he wants to stay in his state so requested I not file for custody) my mom now hates me is still crazy and I’m struggling with guilt. I feel like I have to take her verbal abuse bc my calling the cops started a chain of events that destroyed her life, I feel like she has no friends or family so I have to be there for her so she won’t get depressed and commit suicide (she has suicidal tendencies) I’m struggling with the fact that I have hated my mom for so long for so many things and now I feel horribly guilty for those feelings. If her actions where caused by mental illness and she can’t control that I feel guilty for hating her for something she can’t control. I also feel like I lost my mom forever and even though it’s never been a great relationship I am broken that I lost my mom and my son lost a Grandma. I don’t know how to feel about her and I don’t know how to handle her. Do I let her emotionally beat me do I cut her out of my life I just don’t know.

My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years. Have been together since I was 17 I moved across the country to be with him we have a baby and own a house together. I’m bitter, angry, and sad that we are not engaged or married yet.

My boyfriend is in the National Guard and was injured in a training. He just had surgery on his leg due to the injury and will be out of work for 2-6 months. We are really worried about money since he is off work I’m so stressed. We also can’t afford insurance for our son except through the military if he gets medically discharged we loose our sons insurance and I’m panicking about having no back up plan for if we loose insurance. Plus me getting on his insurance when I get kicked off my dads insurance.

Since giving birth I have been having thyroid problems. We are struggling to get my thyroid levels where they need to be. I have been symptomatic for almost a year. I’m frustrated and just want to feel good.