He loves me... But I struggle to love myself..

My boyfriend calls me his big fluffy pillow, which I don’t mind.. because I love cuddles. But I’ve struggled with my weight since I was like 8 years old... I’ve tried going on diets all my life but my mom always gave up mid way through and I’ve never really succeeded to get skinny. I’ve not been below 250lbs since I was 16... and I’m at the highest I’ve ever been (375lbs) and it’s literally stressing me out so much...

I normally don’t give a crap what others think... but I love him so much that I want to be able to be the best me I can to be. We had sex for the first time a couple a weeks ago and I felt so horrible... size doesn’t matter to me because I love him so much.. but he literately kept slipping out of me because I have such a fat “cat” down there... not that he wasn’t pleased.. I just want both of us to have that moment at the same time... and I feel like since I’m so big I have lost some sensitivity down there. The only way I can ever climax is if my clitoris is stimulated. Honestly... no one has ever made me climax besides myself.. I always feel embarrassed with the amount of time it takes to get it done that half way through explaining things while he is trying to get me to climax I just give up....

Every time he touches my stomach I want to run away and hide.. even if he’s just meaning to tickle me or do it playfully.. I have grown up being fat shamed by my own family and I have no self confidence what so ever.. I just want to cry..

I’m making this post because I have no clue what to do or even how to get out of this mind set right now and I’m extremely depressed... also as I’m typing this sentence I’m starting to realize I’m probably about to start my period... ugh. This ones gonna be rough, I can already tell.