this post is more of a memorial to my #1 baby girl, lost at 36 weeks due to a triple cord accident. we lost her Jan 25th 17, the absolute worst day of my life. to hold her little body and never see the light in her eyes or smell her sweet breath or feed her seemed to suck the life from me for so long. My husband and I were so devastated but we promised each other we wouldn’t give up. almost a year has passed and just as I became fed up with trying so hard and still getting a period every month, I tested positive now, 11 months later! I was so scared, the mental tricks were heavy. I was nearly convinced something must be wrong with me but I felt a weight lift from my shoulders once I completely surrendered my problems to God. Sure enough, whatever's in His will, will have its way! I'm just 5 weeks but fully optimistic that mom life is for me. however, outside all excitement, it's still a tough thing to figure out at times how to proceed with the memory of such loss without letting it haunt hopes of the future, and where there is now this amazing reality, is there a such thing as the love for my first born fading? I know the answer is no, but I'm saying that I never want to forget her or the love I have for her, even though that dually means that I choose to store the pain of her loss in my heart forever. She existed and was the center of my world before that unfortunate, AWFUL day. Rest in Heaven Anaja, baby. Mommy loves you now and always. You're going to be a big sister now. a big girl, and we will meet again one day!!