Backstory to this question: I am 36 years old with two older children(18 & 11), but I am TTC with my new husband. I miscarried at 9 weeks in Feb. and was devastated. Then I miscarried again in October. However, there were issues with that pregnancy from the beginning. I got my BFP on my AF due date but lightly spotted two days later. Made an OBGYN appointment for that week. Because I had a previous miscarriage that year and because of the spotting they wanted to see me right away. The spotting stopped but I had blood work done every other day for almost two weeks and got three ultrasounds. My hormones levels were going up, but not quite enough. And the ultrasounds weren't showing anything more than an unidentifiable fluid sac. So we had a D&C; at 6 weeks. The second time around I didn't let myself get attached( as much as possible) so it wasn't quite as emotionally painful as in Feb, but it was still tough to go through and left me frustrated and scared. That's when I started using Glow.

Fast forward to the present. We are still trying and my AF was due last Saturday, 12/9. I took a pregnancy test last Tue, before I was even late because I was feeling weird and got a BFN. I am VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY regular....like to the hour. I get AF every 4 weeks, on Saturday between 9-10am. So on Saturday when it didn't come by noon I took another test and still BFN. I thought maybe the last D&C; and two miscarriages maybe messed up my regularity so I decided to just sit tight for awhile. But yesterday I was SUPER emotional and today I am three days late, so took another test......BFP!

However, I don't know how to feel. I'm afraid to let myself be happy or get excited. I actually cringe and get slightly upset when I see users congratulate other users on a BFP and/or tell them things like "Yay, you're gonna be a momma". A BFP means nothing!!! I had a miscarriage before conceiving my 11yo and I've already had two losses this calendar year. And many others have gone through the same. Why get my hopes up when I might lose this one too?

Also...this BFP is a little different. Not only did it finally show 3days late but it's also very faint. In all my other pregnancies, live children and miscarriages, I got a BFP 2-5 days BEFORE AF was due and the line was dark. The last one was REALLY dark. So, is this late, light BFP a good sign? Is this baby taking its slow, sweet time to make sure it develops properly? Perhaps the last two were going too fast, didn't develop properly, and caused the miscarriages? Or is the fact that it's late and light a bad sign. Is it there, but died already?

So many variables and so many emotions. I don't know how to feel or what to do. Any thoughts or advice?

***Update***

I was impatient and on Tuesday night I took a digital test and it said negative. So I waited until today, Thursday, for my first morning pee and again the digital test said negative. I don't completely trust digital tests so I bought a regular test and it still shows positive but the line is still very light. Since I'm usually never late and my bad history I'm going to call my doctor.

***Second update - Sunday, 12/17***

Got two more BFP since Thursday, only slightly darker.........But today I miscarried. That's three this calendar year. At least I don't need a D&C; for this one. This has been crappy year and another miscarriage a week before Christmas is the worst gift from Santa ever!!!!