Lately I’ve been extremely down, I’m bipolar & have anxiety.

I can’t get on meds because I have PCOS and I don’t want to in anyway try to harm a baby if I get pregnant because I’m TTC (doctor suggested the same thing)

Hear me out, I don’t want to kill myself, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But lately the suicidal thoughts have been overwhelming, the “it wouldn’t matter” has been overwhelming the “if I just crashed right now it wouldn’t matter” is overwhelming. I cry a lot, I just want to sleep. I feel bad for my SO because I haven’t really wanted to have sex or even be touched/give affection. I just want to be sad in my own bubble. I wouldn’t be functioning as a human being (going to work, etc) if I didn’t have to.

I try to talk to my SO about it, but he’s never really dealt with mental illness in any form so he tries but can’t quite get it or take it as seriously as he should.

I’ve always had issues but since starting <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">fertility treatment</a> & finding out about my PCOS it’s spiraling out of control it feels like. I’m only in my 6th month but it’s getting to me. & I’m not just depressed because of that, there’s literally no reason at all for me to feel this way. I’ve lost almost 50 lbs (I’m at 138 now), have a House, etc. it’s for no reason.

When people ask my when I’m having kids or talk about people who “accidentally” got pregnant it just makes me sink into myself.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. & please if you’re gonna be an ass scroll on past this.

I’ve tried going to my primary before for meds and he pretty much laughed at me, I’m currently trying to find a new doctor but again, I can’t really get on anything because of everything going on.