So, I have been very depressed lately. Currently, I have been in bed for about 3 days. I barely eat. I haven't funtion at normal capacity for a couple of weeks. I have been trying to reach out (can't get professional help til my insurance os sorted at the beginning of the year) So, I have tried reaching out to family, friends, and my fiance. Usually, I get generic responses like "I feel ya" or "I know how that goes." But for my fiance, he seems to completely shut me out. I'm going to bare my soul to ya'll and admit that I have been REALLY depressed. I'm not suicidal in the sense that I want to kill myself, I just couldn't, but I often wish I would just go, you know? So, I'll try to talk to him, try to reach out and he shuts down. Every time it seems to ve because he is "too tired to deal with it and we can talk tomorrow" except the only thing that happens is I get upset that he isnt there for me when I need him, we argue, he goes to sleep while I am on the couch and we dont ever talk about it. I apologized that my pain doesn't come at a convenient time for him. Its no walk in the park for me. I am exhausted. This has happened several times over the past few months. But tonight(last night I suppose, I haven't been to bed yet) it hurt even more. I've been asking him to make love to me. We've been trying to have a baby. he didn't last night so I asked if he would before he started his new job, didnt happen. So, after work then? Nope. He gets home and Oh god was I happy to see him. we talked a little about his new job and we were laying in bed. I was picking on him, nothing out of the ordinary, tickling, poking, etc. I notice he doesn't really seem to react so I ask if he wants me to leave him alone. Ouch. He says yes. He didn't seem mad at me and was talking to me okay bit it still stung a bit. I left him alone and waited. Lately he has been pretty void of any affection or attention unless I initiate it, even then, its iffy. 4 hours go by and I try to talk aboit how I am feeling about being blown off and suddenly he is tired. (Same thing happened a week ago. He stUed up til 5 am watching some random guy's vlog about rc cars but as soon as I try to talk, he desperately needs sleep) I get upset, I start asking how he can see me be this upset and not want to help, how can he know that all I want when I feel like this is a loving embrace and a little encouragement. All the while, he is pretty much emotionally void. He says nothing amd whem he apologized it was like a rehearsed line that truly said "if I say sorry, she'll get off my back" I start telling him I am unhappy in our relationship. No reaction. Fine, I'm fed up. I'm leaving. I walk when Im am upset anyway. I left amd he didnt even try to stop me. He said, "You're a grown woman, you'll do whatever you want" Two hours later when I came back, the door was locked. He knew I didn't have a key and it was 40 degrees outside. If he was so worried like he said, why'd he lock me out?! I get angry and he just asks if he can go to sleep now. I don't understand. And before anyone suggests that maybe he just doesn't work through stress well or whatever, this man used to be more than enough. When I was depressed or sad or angry, he held me for as long as I needed, even hours on the bathroom floor. I fell in love with his compassion for me. I could always count on him. Tonight, I asked him to just tell me if he didnt want me anymore. I said that even though I would be devastated, it would hurt less than his cold shoulder when I need him most. He said he wants to be with me (after a rather long pause while I just kept asking for him to please answer.) I don't understand. If he truly loves me, why doesn't the pain I feel bother him? Why doesnt he just want to be there for me in any way possible? Or is it me? Maybe I am asking for too much.