Friends with benefits? (Trigger warning)

I’m in a ‘Friends’ with benefits relationship with my ex. He says we’re friends but we aren’t really I’m just a booty call. We were together 2 years and it’s been around 8 months since we broke up. It’s really difficult for me cause I still love him and he knows that. When we were together I was really struggling with self harm and depression and I feel like I really replied on him. I feel like I owe him for making him deal with how much of a terrible girlfriend I was. I tried so hard but I was always too clingy and needy cause he was the only person that made me feel safe. I feel terrible so I feel like I owe it to him to please him. I know I should stop and I have tried to but he just convinces me. He’s so good at manipulating my emotions but I can’t help but love him.