Hello,

My name is Cassie, and I am your daughter.

Don’t worry, I didn’t track you down or anything crazy. (my sister) gave me your info. I’m not looking for anything, I don’t need anything, and I’m not going to be a burden to you. I’m grown and on my own. I’ve just always thought of what I’d say to you, and since (sister) found me, I finally have the chance.

You don't need to write back or respond to this, I just wanted to finally be able to say everything I’ve always wanted to. I spent my younger life wondering if you’d come for me. Not understanding the situation or the fact that you didn’t want me the first time. My older life, I’ve thought about finding you, contacting you, and wondered if you’d want me to. (sister) finding me gave me the chance to know where you are and decide what to do. I wanted to let it go. I wanted to not want to write this, but I also want to finally move past this and stop wondering. So I’m writing this.

So, here I am. I'm 26, and still living in Florida. Apparently, I look like you. I don't see it, then again I've only seen one picture of you. When I was little, I didn't realize anything was wrong with my family. As I got older, I wondered about you, told friends made up stories, and wondered if you were out there trying to find me. I clinged to the men in my life, and loved movies where the dad comes back. I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't love me and my mom. I pretended I didn’t need to know or care. But there is something about knowing that you are half of someone you don’t even know.

I go back and forth on whether you did me a favor or not. I’m not sure if you knew how sick my mom was. It was the reason she thought she couldn’t have kids, and the reason I was unexpected. But, she doesn’t like to tell people, and I don’t know if you had any idea what would lie ahead for her and I. You not wanting me allowed us to move to Florida so I could be near my grandparents. That allowed me to have an amazing relationship with my grandpa. Which also caused my whole world to crash down when he died and I was only 11 and didn't understand. You also allowed me to open up and have a father figure in a boyfriend of my mom’s, who became an idol to me. My heart broke more when he died tragically. I sat in more hospital rooms and took more caregiver roles than any child should have to. I helped my mom when she was sick, and constantly worried. When I was little, we had a plan of where I would go if my mom didn’t make it. I lived every day with the understanding that my mother might die and I might be alone at a young age. Every year the plan changed, and every year I thanked God that he kept her here. I watched my mom struggle financially my whole life. I felt bad knowing it was because she had to care for me. I was 7 the first time she woke me up, panicked and injured and we rushed off to the ER. That was when she lost her hearing. Then came the heart attacks and strokes. I almost lost her so many times I’ve lost count. I was a kid, but I grew up fast for her. My last year of college even the doctors thought she was going to die. But somehow, she made it. I don’t even know what it’s like not to worry about and care for your parent. I never had the chance.

But, it wasn’t all bad. You made me a statistic, an only child of a single parent. So I broke that statistic. I graduated from college and went into law enforcement. I got married, and I gave up my career to try to start a family. I am doing even better in my second career than I did in my first. I found a man who treats me well, even though I had very little examples of that. He is the most amazing combination of my grandpa and the boyfriend that died. I learned how to be a couple, because I never saw it in my life.  But I promised myself I’d make it up to her someday. Now I  cosigned on her car and moved her into my house. You made me and mom stronger and so bonded. And my heart breaks every time she slips a little further away from me.

I know that you and my mom wouldn’t have been a couple, but everything that has happened in my life could have been better if I'd had another parent. And I struggled with this for a long time. Then I found out exactly what kind of parent you were. And I realized for all the bad things I went through, they could have been worse if you had stayed in my life.

Unfortunately, no matter how true that is, it's hard growing up knowing you are the face of a person you've never met. Wondering if your hobbies come from him. Wondering if he thinks of you. Wishing every birthday as a child for him to come see you. Wondering as you get older if he even knows when your birthday is. I'm grateful for how things turned out. For me. For my mom, you made things so much harder. You never thought twice about me and she struggled for 18 years to support me. I get leaving a child you didn’t want. I couldn’t do it, but I can understand it. And I can forgive that. I have. I had to make peace with it a long time ago so it didn’t eat me alive. But you left my mom to struggle to raise me, to beat herself up for not being able to do enough. Anyone who knows me knows that my mom is my partner and best friend, and that I would never be able to forgive anyone that hurts her.

(sister) told me if I ever wanted to hear from you, I'd have to write you. I'm sure you don't have any interest, and I wasn't even sure if I did. But I’ve spent my whole life wanting to tell you something, anything. I've spent the last 10 or so years wanting to prove that I didn't need you. I had started to let it all pass. I was married and happy. Meeting (sister) has been the best thing, but it also brought up a lot. I finally got some answers, but it also made me wonder. I was shocked that you even knew my name all these years later.

This last year has been the best and worst for me. My mom's going downhill, and we lost my amazing grandmother in law this year. It's been hard. But I also have finally found myself and really started to become who I always wanted to be. I don't want to stop and wonder about you anymore. So now you know right where I am. You have my name. You know I am friends with your other children on facebook. You can decide to talk to me, to tell me to leave you alone, or you can choose to forget about me for another 26 years. But, now I can move on with my life. I’ve put myself out there, introduced myself, told you all the things I’ve thought of if you were to ever show up at my door. Now it’s time for me to get back to my amazing life that I have built for myself. I will share it with my three new siblings. My future kids will grow up with their three grandparents. They will not know your name, nor will they know the struggle I went through. They will never feel like they are missing something. Their father will raise them the way I could only wish to have been raised. I am here if you ever want to respond. But I’m not going to let it affect me like it did for the past 26 years. I won't look for you like I did as a kid.

Cassie