What is life...

So I live in St. Louis, if you know anything about this place it's very very high in crime. There's nothing here for me, so I chose to go to college out of state as far as possible; Arizona. I was only there one semester and got a loan (about $9000) and some grants, but had about $12000 left to pay. Ultimately I came back home and now I'm not in school, and don't have a job, though I've been searching and applying and my mom's in a financial rut and they're saying my loan is in a grace period and I'm about to start having to pay it back and then the money still owe my school, they want that...I really don't know what to do. I really think dying would be better, (not suicidal just saying) but that would leave my mom with my stuff to pay plus funeral costs 🤦🏾‍♀️ it's just like a giant face palm and I have no idea what to do. I just hear "Ain't it Fun" by Paramore playing in my head 🙃