Background: My birthday was the 23rd. Yes, of December. As a kid, I'd get asked what I want for my birthday or if it was okay to just get presents all together on Christmas. Even when, at some point, we started doing less and less for birthdays, I'd still get taken out to eat (somewhere fancyish like Red Robin), a couple of gifts, and everybody would be wishing me happy birthday. Facebook, texts, in person, etc.

Last year we started a thing (tradition, I guess) where santa comes to my parents' house (on my birthday) for pictures. Which I agreed to. My daughter is their first grandbaby and they spoil her, as expected.

I don't expect gifts or even to go eat anymore, my life just doesn't seem to matter to them (unless, apparently, I'm giving them grandchildren). And maybe I'm jealous because it's always, at least seemed, been that my sister's anything was made a big deal out of. (I get surgery to get cysts out of my breast, no one bats an eye except to berate me for not telling them about it even though it hadn't changed in years and I had no reason to know I needed to be worried (family history apparently isn't allowed to be talked about) but my sister breaks her nose and gets surgery to fix it, big ass hubbub and lots of pictures in hospital. My sister wants to go to college? All the help. Me? None. Her birthday? Big celebration! Me? Nope. Given, I didn't remember us doing really anything for my brother, either. Hell, I had to put his birthday into my phone because, though it was on the calendar, no one circled the date (nov 30th, so one of those half square calendar days).

Here's the kicker, everyone else gets birthday wishes and gifts and whatnot; brother, sister, mother, father, obviously my daughter. Me? My husband remembered days before, and, as I'm okay with celebration type stuff on or before my birthday, got me chocolate and other gifts (gifts because he has a hard time waiting to give them, which is silly and cute). Wished my happy birthday....on my birthday! My sister(s) at least got me a blanket and some sharpies, with the help of the kids she nannies and brought to see santa (they picked out a Spider-Man blanket, which is actually really tasteful and you can barely tell it's Spider-Man.)

My mom asked me what I want for my birthday, and she and my dad both stressed that I have aged out of their insurance. My uncle's girlfriend remembered and wished me happy birthday at breakfast. No one else. She literally said it out loud in front of everyone... and nothing.

I found out the next day that my parents (they have a joint account) posted happy birthday on my Facebook. I don't use Facebook often anymore, maybe, maybe once or twice a week. They know this, but seem to forget anyways. (I've told them we don't have cable/regular tv just Netflix/Funimation, but they're always asking if I watch tv.... Told them I don't use Facebook much, they're always asking didn't I see xyz on his or her page...like...no? I don't tend to see only certain people's newsfeeds, nor do I go looking all the damn time.)

Forgive my pettiness. But I'm so tired of feeling like I barely exist. Like the best thing I've ever done is have a child (on accident, no less. And I was scared of telling my parents because in middle school i was told that if I had sex my mom would kill me. She said that to my face. Apparently, her faith in her own parenting and knowledge of who I am, meant she thought I had been having sex since middle school. Like, no mom, it took me until after I met my hubby. She also told me many times how she disagreed with my lifestyle when I was living with my ex before we were married. I wasn't married when I got pregnant with my daughter.). Is my life so confusing and scary and "liberal" that they fear getting to know me? Do they really think I'm so much like my brother that any time I ever expressed major emotions they told me not to "get upset" every time they say something? To my brother, they always say "don't get mad". My brother has had screaming matches with both of my parents. My perfect fucking sister has never yelled at anyone for anything, had been the happy go lucky person for years until she graduated high school, and apparently has always knew what she wanted to do when she grew up.

My mom (during one of our arguments, because that is one of the only ways I seem to be able to find anything out from her) told me that both my brother and father would put down my choice of family game/movie. Well, Sharon, why the fuck wouldn't you stand up for me? I was clearly out of my ability. But no, she thought I'd learn to stand up for myself. No, mom, I learned that my opinion, what I want and like, is boring, gross, stupid, too much effort.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a wallflower. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong...to my family. I'm tired of being compared to my sister. I'm tired of people assuming I'm high maintenance and clingy and dependent because I have strong emotions and an old fashioned homemaker attitude. I'm tired of not being trusted because I lie, because telling the truth made me a "hypochondriac" and "upset". Most of all, I'm tired of having to fight my family for the right to exist as myself.

If anyone reads this, sorry for it being a wall.