Since the moment I found out I was pregnant I was adamant I did not want to breast feed. After a traumatic string of abuse the idea of a baby on my breast would make me sick to my stomach. Around the time I was 6 months pregnant I began to consider the idea of breastfeeding and resolved to at the very least try it in the hospital. Come 8 months pregnant, I was excited to breast feed and had all of my nursing gear ready to go. Then my son was born, and the first problem we encountered was being told he was 8lbs 14 oz and then later finding out he was listed at 7lbs 14 oz on his birth record. Okay, whatever, well just keep an eye on his weight more closely right? I had a csection, and had fallen asleep during the procedure and was woken up two hours after my son was born, immediately I put him on my chest and I asked the nurse for help feeding him. She seemed uninterested and just adjusted him to my body and put my boob in his mouth. He latched immediately, but it didn't feel quite right. It was very painful the first latch and he would tug his head back as he sucked. I just kept trying. We kept track of his wet and dirty diapers and although it was less than what I had read he should be having at his age, no one mentioned anything about it. On the second day of my son's life, they took him to be circumcised, when he came back he absolutely would not latch. He kept getting frustrated and could not get the hang of it again. The nurse brought me a nipple shield and he did okay with that, but it was frustrating trying to use it. When it was time to leave the hospital, I explained my concerns on the continued use of the nipple shield and wanted help in trying to get a successful latch without. The nurses took my screaming son and held him to my breast till he finally latched, it made me VERY uneasy. So we get discharged from the hospital and our first pediatrician appointment is the very next day. We take our son in and the pediatrician said he weighed 8lbs 3 oz and that it looked like he had gained weight. But remember, we were told 8lbs 14oz, and they listed him as 7lbs 14oz. So we get back home and I keep trying to feed my son, I have to use the nipple shield again because he wouldn't latch and hadn't eaten for a long time and as we keep track of his wet and dirty diapers we realize he is DEFINITELY not having enough. My son would nurse for an hour each side and I would feel ill the moment he latched, vision changes a metallic smell in my nose dizziness it was awful. I could put him down for 30 minutes and he'd be screaming hungry again, and back on for another hour of nursing each side. At this point my husband couldn't watch me suffer and was worried about our son. He decided to get a can of formula from the store and he bottle fed our son. I cried the whole time. Not an hour later our son finally pooped after 32 hours. He began to have wet and dirty diapers with the addition of formula and with the sickness I was feeling while breastfeeding we decided to switch fully to formula. I felt guilty the whole time, my body failed, I failed at the one thing I was supposed to be able to do! Well, fast forward two months and I am so overcome with guilt I make it my mission to relactate, I tried multiple different supplements, reglan, I was power pumping every 3 hours, I was speaking to a lactation consultant every other day. I discovered my son had a SEVERE lip and tongue tie which after he had it corrected even bottle feeding became more easy for him. I was determined, if it helped him bottle feed, he could breast feed even better right? I just needed to get my supply there! I spent a whole month pumping, and taking supplements and medications, and....I got back to .5 oz. that's it. I had a great supply when my milk came in, so why couldn't it come back! How could I fail at this too?! My beautiful son is now 4 months old, and everytime I see my friend breast feeding her baby, or I see something about the benefits of breast feeding or even talking to someone who just asks the simple question if I am breast feeding, it really fucking hurts. I have so much guilt over it, I know fed is best, but I feel like I wasn't determined enough or that I failed my baby. I just wish I could have made it work...