We met when we were 9, became best friends instantly *even though I was the new girl* and shortly discovered we were neighbors! we spent a lot of time together so it's no surprise that we started dating when we hit out teens. But unfortunately it just wasn't our time..we were too young, you were too hungry for attention and I was too jealous. We were each others firsts and sometimes I wish I could have made us wait longer, I don't regret it was with you, just that we were so young and naive. I really do think it hurt our relationship. So after three years at the end of our sophomore year of high school, you walked away. You cried, but you still walked away cause you couldn't take the fighting, I don't blame you, we did fight a lot. I wanted you to go to college, you wanted to be a "home boy". After we broke up despite what most would assume, after the hurt, disapated, we remained inseparable. We didn't hang out as much for obvious reasons. while I was taking an SAT you were buying drugs and selling them with your buddies...i slowly watched the dirt bike loving, smart, funny boy I loved turn into someone I couldn't even recognize. you started drinking, skipping school, doing drugs I didnt even know you could find in our little town and driving like your life didn't matter. it broke my heart, and eventually when we both *somehow* graduated and I went off to the State university, I left you behind. you would call and text and I would ignore, you would try Facebook and I forgot about you. but it wasn't because I stopped loving you, it was because I couldn't live my life wondering if today was the day I would receive the call that you wrecked your car drunk driving and killed yourself and someone else, that you OD on drugs, that you got shot on a deal gone bad, it hurt too much.eventually you took the hint and disappeared..and when I joined the army and left our hometown for good I didn't even tell you, until I graduated from AIT and saw a message from you asking how I liked the army. I still didn't answer..and then I met "the love of my life" who reminded me so much of you until he became abusive. eventually I left him and took our infant son with me. That's another thing I didn't tell you, I had a child. I left the military on a pregnancy discharge and ended up moving back to our hometown which coincidentally you did too at the same time. it was then at a church event to raise money for your aunt who I still loved dearly that I saw you again for the first time in almost 5 years..i thought I'd be ok but my heart dropped and I got butterflies. you told me how you were better now, you left the hard drugs behind and don't sell anything anymore, you still don't have a career, or education but you told me you want to be better and grow up. That's when I realized that I hope for you to grow up to. because to be honest, I still love you like I did 13 years ago when we were just kids, and I probably always will 😔 but you look so sick now, so tired all the time. your humor has become crude and your outlook on life is flawed. In my heart I imagine the man you could have been, but standing in front me instead is a broken man whose mother thinks I can help. I want to say I'm sorry, for disappearing. I'm sorry for giving up on you and I'm sorry for not trying harder. you asked not to long ago if we could try again but what you don't understand is my son needs a role model and as much as I love you, the way you are now, it will never work. I'm sorry about that too...never have I felt the kind of pain you feel when you can't be with the person you love when they're right in front if you because of the life they choose to live...