A Mix of Confusion

Early December we found out that we were pregnant with our second child. We had been trying since August and I always joked with my husband that December would be our month and he would once again have to share his birthday with another baby. So early December we found out. He made me take three test. I jokingly told him initially that I got him a really early birthday present and he was like what? You mean Christmas. Then I told him to expect our second child on his birthday. At first he was mad about it because he already shared a birthday with our first child, then he thought he was kind of funny and awesome. We were excited and planned to announce it on Christmas to the family. A bunch of girls at work had all been trying to get pregnant, so I told them I was! We told our three year old too who was super excited because she had been asking for a baby. We ended up having her an outfit made to wear on Christmas and seeing who would notice. The next week right at exactly 5 weeks I was bleeding. It was very light and barely even there, so I didn't think much into it. As the day went on it got darker and was appearing as a normal period. I sat down and did some thinking. I called the hospitals nurse hotline. She asked me several questions: is it heavy? no. Do you notice tissue or clotting? no. Are you having any cramping? backache? no. I went throughout my day with her advice as to monitor it and only wear a pad. Later that night it got heavier, and I got worried. I went to our local hospital which is a complete joke, but the closest one is an hour away. I sat bleeding in the lobby for about 2 hours. I get back into the ER where I wait again. I pee, they take blood. I wait. I ask to see the OB and was told no, you have to be 20 weeks before he will see you. I was like seriously? So I wait. They tell me my bleeding is fine, I'm only two weeks pregnant according to my hcg levels which were at 10 and was really low (that I knew) and to go home and be on bed rest. I left, feeling like I had wasted my time, my money, and had better diagnosed myself. The next day I drove to the city and went to the ER. I told them my story, what had happened at the hospital. They proceeded with blood, urine, internal exam, and an ultrasound. I was informed my hcg levels were at 3 and that nothing was there. He said that I was no longer pregnant. I cried. My husband was angry. I told my mom what had happened. She was sad as I was. I started questioning why?! Was it the new job I got moved to dealing with behavior kids? Moving to the new house? The new house party? The fall at work? There was so much going on during that month! So much stress! I went from questioning, to blaming. Then I was living, until the lady called to tell me my daughter's outfit was done. I had my husband explain to her we would not be getting it right away and what happened. I went to get it days later and she hugged me and told me not to worry about paying for it. Christmas felt different. The outfit sits at the top of my closet, and my hopes at the bottom. I tell myself all the time you could still be pregnant when I know I am not. When my sister came for Christmas she brought her kids of course, and I felt mad at her for bringing my neice who is a baby. I wanted to cry when I held her knowing that I wasn't going to have that. Then school break was almost over. I sent an email to the other ladies I had told at work. It was brief, but to the point. When I walked

back into work some of them wanted to talk, others wanted to console me, and I just wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. It has been almost three weeks and my husband is persistent on getting pregnant right away but I'm still a mess of emotions inside.