Feeling betrayed.

My fiancé and I have been through a lot since our son was born just over a year ago. I struggled with PPD and PPA and was on medication for it. My mom came with me to my postpartum appointment two weeks after my son was born, mainly because I needed someone to hold my son while I was being examined. And she brought up I was feeling depressed, something I told her in confidence. I had been put down constantly by other family because I wasn’t able to breastfeed, something I desperately wanted to do. I felt like a failure and it got to the point I didn’t want to be a mother because I felt so unworthy. I admit she did the right thing then and I did need the help.

When my son was six months I got off the medication, my choice. I was again told a proper mother didn’t need medicated. I felt so sick knowing my family thought I wasn’t a good mother.

Everything has been fine except these past three months. My son is almost 13 months and I have been having negative feelings again. My fiancé has never said anything negative to me, not once. I didn’t realize I have been acting differently but now my mother has told me I need medication again. And she also informed me my fiancé went to her with concerns about me.

I feel so hurt. He hasn’t sat me down once to talk to me other than when I brought up what my mother said. It makes me scared what else he’s said.

I feel like I’m doing my best and now I’m lower than ever. We have family doctor appointments in two days and he said he’s not leaving without getting me help. I DONT want to talk about it to anyone. I don’t even know where to begin with how I feel and what’s been going on in my head. I’m tired of being judged.

To top it all off my fiancé is bringing up wanting another baby. I am so scared of my mental health and I’m worried if we have another baby it will just get worse.

I feel like if anyone finds out I’m struggling again I’ll just be questioned as a mother. I try my best every day but I still can’t remember what it feels like to be myself. I’m so lost.