Sorry it’s a long one.

I’m happily married with two boys, 18mo and 4yo. I found out I was pregnant after ovulating later in my cycle than ever before. It was a month of high stress and it just should never have happened. Anyway I really struggled with my first pregnancy, he was a surprise after a failed condom. As much as the pregnancy wasn’t planned I knew I wanted him, but I struggled. I had pre and postnatal depression and anxiety and I suffered for 3 years with intrusive thoughts, catastrophic thoughts and I don’t know how I got by.

We planned our second child and I fell pregnant straight away. It’s hard with two kids but I have absolutely enjoyed every second of the second pregnancy and these last 18months. He’s a tough character and very high maintenance, he’s like a newborn still and has me and my husband lying on his nursery floor with him most nights.

Anyway 4/5 weeks ago I got a positive pregnancy test. I’d already had a breakdown on my husband the night before saying how I couldn’t cope with a third child, not now. Not when I’m enjoying all this time that i never had before. So when I saw the line on the test I was devastated, I was crying or numb. I knew immediately I didn’t want it but my brain started thinking of how to cope. I don’t want to cope though, I want us as a family to thrive rather than survive. Especially after the first time. When I fell apart then it was easy to get a grandparent to look after just one baby, we struggle now to get two looked after, never mind three. It’s just not a risk I could take.

Anyway I had my appointment, they couldn’t find the pregnancy as it was too early, I was sent away to make sure I hadn’t miscarried or ectopic. I was sat in an ultrasound waiting room with people coming out with 12 week and 20 week scans, happy and excited and I was just sat there hoping my baby had died by itself so I didn’t have to do this. They found the pregnancy inside the uterus with a detailed scan and I was sent back to the BPAS clinic for treatment.

There was so much waiting around and messing about with appointments which added to the stress of it all but I ended up having the tablets on 23rd December. My tiny amount of waters broke and basically labour kicked in. It was painful with heavy bleeding and contractions and then it went off. Then two days later I was soaking through a pad every hour and the cramps were worse than labour pains. Apparently it was all normal and no one was interested in seeing me. The bleeding went off and by nye had stopped all together and turned to brown spotting. Until 5th Jan when i started clotting and bleeding heavily again. On the 7th I did my pregnancy test which came back positive, the ema had failed and I had retained tissue of conception. I had vacuum aspiration two days ago without sedation (to be present for my kids an hour later) and it was the most horrendous experience I ever had. Two days later I’ve started bleeding and clotting again. The pain is horrendous, I’ve been to my gp and they’ve given me 60mg codeine which completely knocks me out.

I did all this to be present for my kids but right now it just feels like I interrupted a lovely healthy pregnancy and I haven’t spent any quality time with my kids in 6 weeks, even over Christmas. I’ve been in ridiculous pain or off my face on codeine. I can’t win and I’m devastated. One of my best friends has stopped speaking to me since I told her, one lives abroad and has gone back home and the other is always so busy with her own kids. All our other friends are pregnant or ttc or starting the adoption process because they couldn’t conceive. I just feel alone. My husband is supportive but we’ve been late with the last two mortgage payments because we’re self employed and we can’t take anymore time off, although I’ve obviously had to.

I’m just in a bit of a mess. I’ve never posted anywhere before, I’m just desperate. If anyone has been through this and had similar- how bad does this get? Is this normal?