I left the father of my child May 2017, and I'm still not better from the abuse. It was mostly emotional but he did punch and crack my cars windshield, throw my phone out of the car where I couldn't get to it on the highway, flip our dinner table and push me a couple of times...i was called stupid on the daily, a bitch, crazy, a big baby (because I would end up crying from the abuse) and many other worse things. He had given me his middle name as his real name and hid an entire marriage from me, even though they had been seperated for years when I found out and left him I contacted his wife who is the mother of my son's half brother. She's accepted me into her life and admitted that he abused her a bit too and said how he refuses to help her get the divorce going because she's a single mom and can't afford it but I digress...because of him I lost my career that I worked so hard for, I lost ALL of my friends, he changed my phone number, and I didn't live anywhere near family. I knew no-one around us and was never allowed to go anywhere to meet anybody anyway. He would either take my car or take the keys with him so I couldn't leave. Some nights I was genuinely scared his temper would lead to me not living to another day and he thought the fear I had of him was hilarious, he laughed at my pain all the time...in the beginning he was amazing, loving and everything I thought I needed. and then things started to get weird, he said he wanted to have a baby and would NOT stop having sex even if I didn't want it and he better not find any birth control or there would be consequences. eventually I did become pregnant against my wishes and don't get me wrong I love my son but conceiving him is almost tarnished by my ex...he would say "if I loved him I would do *insert here*" and no matter how much I didn't want to do whatever it was I would because I didn't want to lose him (for whatever reason). He is the most manipulative, narcissistic person I've ever met and I was naive and "in love". He would threaten all the time to take my son away and that scared THE SHIT out of me and I didn't know any better. It was almost two years of this and I'm sorry if it's all over the place but I literally have never told a soul any of this and it's hard to keep it all straight I guess..eventually he had his buddy drive hours to take my son and I to my parents house so he could have a guys weekend, aka fuck a bunch of girls in our bed. He cheated the entire realtionship and I forgave him everytime, including a prostitute towards the end. When I got to my parents I told my little brother most of what was happening and never looked back. I've only seen him once since but I'm so happy to be free finally. now I just feel so dirty, ashamed, embarrassed, stupid and broken..like what was I thinking? What is wrong with me?...he ruined love for me and I can never imagine loving or trusting someone again, let alone getting married..how do I get better? how do I forgive myself?..