Idk what to do

Ok so it's my first time going on a public rant but I honestly don't know what to do with life. I've had rare/unexplainable medical issues for years and was abused as a really young kid. I always feel like shit physically and mentally and I've tried EVERYTHING. I don't care about anything anymore and then care too much, the cycle is killing me. I try to tell peeps but they don't REALLY listen bc they only see my happy side. I feel like a shitty song played on repeat and it's only getting worst. I've tried to kill myself many times but I'm to weak and stupid to even do that right. And I swear on my sisters grave that I'm not doing it for attention like peeps say