The "R" word. Rape.
I was 16 he was 19 and in the Navy he was my first boyfriend. Taking my virginity obviously wasn't enough (he left me on a bathroom floor naked, half passed out at a friends after we had had drinks) and he always asked for anal.. I ALWAYS SAID NO. And made it clear it wasn't something I wanted to try or do.
It was his best friend birthday we had all been drinking but it was time for me to go home. He told me he was walking me down to the pub where I could call a taxi home. (This was normal and I worked at the pub at the time).
Instead he dragged me round into the field behind where his friends house was and raped me. Anal rape.
I cried and screamed. I tried cleaning myself up I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. He walked me to the pub I was petrified and in shock. I called a taxi he sat opposite me I couldn't look at him he was saying "stop crying you stupid little girl people are staring at you" I finally got home. Ran upstairs buried my pants in the bin which had blood on them. I felt humiliated.
He told me this is normal and my body belonged to him and he could do what he likes as he is my boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend I didn't know any different but I didn't like how things were and knew it couldnt be right.
Anyway a couple months went by, he was already possessive, controlling and "hands on" shall we say. He would buy me things and say "I bought you that today so you need to give me a blow job" I was scared of him and did anything he asked.
I got away from him. He would threaten me saying if I don't meet him in a certain place bad things will happen to me. I never met him ever again. And anything of his or he bought me my parents dropped off and left on his doorstep.
I went off the rails after him, I felt worthless, and the only way I could make a man happy was to let him have by body and do what he pleases.
My mum noticed my crazy behaviour drinking staying out all weekend with friends and we got into a big row I told her what happened when I was 16 and said I haven't been right since.
She said "HE RAPED YOU" those words his me hard. I thought he just took advantage a little and it was my fault. I was depressed and out of control.
I went to the clinic to get tested for STDs etc.. I cried. Hard. I had slept with a lot of guys and picked up all sorts. Disgusting I know. I told the male nurse I'm addicted to letting men have me.
I was put forward for CBT therapy. Cognitive behavioural therapy. To try end this cycle of what other people would probably call "being a whore".
I went to my first session she dug deep asked about my childhood etc then I told her about the anal encounter. Again she repeatedly told me I was "raped". That word. The "R" word. Would never come from my own mouth.
I would never want to label myself as someone who is "raped" or a "victim". It made me feel weak, and I didn't want people to 'pity' me.
My mum told me to go to the police, I was petrified I never wanted to see him ever again. He had 6 bothers. Their father was a creep and bully too. I just couldn't do it I was scared for my family too I had two sisters living with me at home at the time.
I seen him once in town 3 years after he was shouting my name and following me, I felt faint I was so scared I was shaking he was trying to speak to me asking how I am and 'long time no see'. I kept walking to the nail salon I felt safe.
The last straw for me was he was working in my street laying someone's drive way. I seen him he seen me and stood in front of my car, with a filthy smirk on his face I was froze. I started to never leave the house only for work. Make excuses to my friends that I couldn't see them or go out.
I moved 80 miles away from my mums area (he lived two miles down the road). Just to get away from him and not be in fear of "bumping" into him again. I moved in with my dad.
I only had the one therapy session. I come out worse than ever having to talk step by step what happened that night. And encounters of mental/emotional abuse.
I am 23 now and that experience has ruined my life. I will never get over it or cope with it.
I love my boyfriend very much and when we first got together I mention les this to him. He has started asking for anal sex, it haunts me. I've told him no and give him the look like really? HE WOULD NEVER force me to do anything I don't want.
I've never told anyone I was "raped" I think it sounds dramatic for my scenario, but then I think I'm probably still in denial a bit.
My point is, I wish I told my mum sooner. I wish I went to the police. I wish I contacted the Royal Navy. I wish I had the guts to face him in court and stay strong when the defence calls me a liar.
Any woman who reported their rape. I wish women like me are as strong as you. Please report it don't leave it for years like me feeling self failure and guilt.
Writing this has lifted a massive weight from my shoulders. Even if no one reads it just writing it somewhere helps.