My boyfriend is NOT gentle.

I'm posting anonymously as I'm not comfortable with what I'm about to say. I'm still a virgin. I've only masturbated twice due to sexual abuse I've experienced as a child.

We've both had a shitty past which brings us a lot closer and makes us trust each other deeper.

About two months he fingered me for the first time. The whole thing was so unexpected - we came back home from a long day out, we kissed and half an hour later he took my jeans off and asked "If he could...?" I'm self conscious but I nodded yes. He kissed it, lightly stroked it with his tongue and used his mouth, then slowly added fingers. It was so romantic, he was gentle and I absolutely loved it.

However, two weeks ago (second time) we ended up in a similar situation. All good, BUT. I had my foreplay kisses, I was pretty turned on. He took my panties off, played with my clit for two seconds and went straight in, but he must have felt I wasn't wet enough at all. So. Much. Pain. So I asked if he could slow down and he did. He kissed it and went it again. This time he was so rough; I asked him to be gentle 4 times, nothing worked. He said "Okay, I'm so sorry", two seconds later went back to how it was. I got up and went to get dressed. I bled so much.. He was so sorry, I know he is still. He claims he's ashamed but now he knows what exactly "gentle" means and he will stick to it. He's the most caring and loving person I've met and he's always been by my side for almost 3 years, We're both virgins too.

Before that happened I was so ready to have sex with him, so ready for such a long time, but now I can't get rid of the doubts. I don't know..

Thank you for reading this to everyone who got this far :)

I'm not sure what to do. He never tried to cross the line after that, of course. I want to be able to trust him with my body but now I'm scared.