Can't take this anymore

It's like a trap we enter into willingly, the rush of hope with every little twinge or ache.. checking my knickers every hour..temping and charting and weeing on sticks. Harvesting cervical mucus is about as off off key as it gets. The feelings of euphoric excitement with implantation twinges.. which turn into the most devastating ripping out of the womb lining as we realise it was all in our crazy little minds. It was just PMS which turns into days of disappointed depressive isolation. Hopelessness, fear, and longing. A trick so cruel just be being punished. I think about the termination and wonder about god, sin, life and death and whether it's all worth it. Knowing that there's no alternative, I can't forget about it even if i want to can't stop trying. it's not just about me, my partner longs to be a father too.. can't give up ..it's a trap and as I'm lying here my uterus twisting, crying years of regret all I want to drink wine and smoke cigarettes. Oops nope not for me.. just a daily cocktail of supplements and vitamins to the point i just rattle into workevery day. Tomorrow will be no different.