I’ve been thinking about this for a week or so now. Maybe it’s just the stages of grief. I don’t know.

Initially, after cutting you out of my life, I felt so free. You don’t know how you’ve changed and how it’s hurt people around you - how it’s hurt me. You went from my best friend to someone who made me feel horrible about myself. Our friendship felt like a constant battle that I wasn’t winning. I didn’t like the person you were becoming, and it hurt my feelings that you wouldn’t listen to me or even try to see my side. And I felt as if you were constantly lying to me. I didn’t feel like a friend you truly valued and cared about. I felt like an accessory - someone you could just stick the label of “best friend” on. I didn’t feel like you really thought of me as your best friend.

But anyway. At first, it was great. I didn’t have to worry about your manipulative relationship or your constant drama. I didn’t have to worry about trying to help you when you didn’t want help. I didn’t have to worry that you didn’t care about me like I cared about you.

I wasn’t jealous of the things you did. All of the sudden, I pitied you. I pitied your disgusting excuse for a boyfriend, I pitied your alcohol and nicotine usage, I pitied your need to constantly feel validated by doing things you deem as “cool”.

I don’t think you’re aware yet of who your boyfriend has turned you into. It breaks my heart. I can’t be your friend anymore - even though now, after my reflection period, I miss you like hell. The old you, anyway.

You’re pushing everyone who loves you away. Or maybe they don’t really love you. Maybe they’re all just fake and immature, like you’ve become.

This is the way I see it. You’ve lost touch with yourself. And maybe this is meant to be. Maybe this is who you really are. If so, fuck, it stings, because I miss you as my best friend. I miss all the fun and crazy shit we did. When I’m depressed these days, and I try and goof around, everyone just gets mad at me. The old [name] would have goofed off with me. I miss our late night talks, our adventures, our photo shoots, making tea 24/7, and our schemes about your love life.

But that shits gone now. You’ve really hurt my feelings. You haven’t been there for me (partially because I didn’t ask for your help, because I knew you wouldn’t have wanted to give it) and in turn, I haven’t been there for you in the ways you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend has clouded your vision and twisted you into this monster. I’m sorry you need to constantly feel validated. Im sorry you’re ditching your true friends for people who are “cooler”, who go to more parties, who know more people. I’m sorry you think your boyfriend SEXUAL ASSAULTING YOUR FRIEND is okay. I’m sorry you’re blinded by him and his twisted manipulations. He’s a fucking creep. You - the old you, anyway, because I don’t know the new you - deserve so much better.

Most of all, I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I’m sorry I’ve given up on you, and I’m sorry that you couldn’t understand and appreciate the help and love I tried to give to you, even if you didn’t want it.

I just hope you open your eyes and begin to value what’s actually important, what’s actually necessary for you to grow and mature as a human. (Hint: it’s not your repulsive boyfriend).

I hope 2018 is the year of awakening for you - when you can realize who you’ve become and what you’ve done.

But alas, we all grow up at different rates, and maybe this is yours. Maybe this is what you need to develop. In that case, I hope nothing damaging happens to you, and I hope you continue to maintain at least *some* responsibility in your actions.

Oh, and I wish you safe travels in your upcoming driving experience. I heard you say it comes easy to you. I’m glad. (Because you know it’s been quite the struggle for me... bahahah).

Tell your pups I say hi.

[[i want to actually give this to her but I’m afraid it wouldn’t accomplish anything, what do you guys think?]]