Tired of fighting with myself..

I’m 21, never been in a relationship, never had any experiences. All my life I’ve been telling myself that I don’t want a boyfriend, and that I don’t want to have to worry about that stuff. I’m insecure and closed off, so I’m really not sure if anyone would want to deal with that.

I’ve come to realize that I’m not very affectionate other than giving my mom hugs. I cringe when someone calls me pretty... I just believe that I’m not cut out for any of it. I think about me being in a relationship and I just shake my head and say, “nope.”

On the other hand, I feel like I’m touch starved. Sleeping against the wall almost replaces the feeling of someone being there. I become bitter when seeing happy couples or when my friend talks about her boyfriend (I never wanted to be one feel that way, either). Loneliness is always with me but some nights it just affects me more than I could imagine. I don’t get it. Why am I like this? I’m just so tired of fighting with myself...