Wrote around 10/16-12/16

Tears stream down my face. I can hear my heart breaking. Everything was going okay. I never thought it'd end up like this. 5 years have come and gone. I'm finally home. The rejection is still there, it never left. You constantly say sorry, but are you even sorry at all? Do you even give a shit about me? All these questions, will I ever get the answers? All these feelings, will I ever get them outta my head? Why do you hurt me so much? Was your mistakes not enough? Was fucking my sister not enough? Was tearing your family apart not enough? Was me going into DCS custody not enough? Was my suicide attempts not enough? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do I have to feel the same rejection I felt as a child? What did I ever do to you? Do you want me to leave? You say you're glad I came back, but your words and actions don't add up. After everything I've been through. Why are you still hurting me? My life was ruined, or so I thought when you walked through those doors. That statement broke my heart. You were supposed to be my dad. Dad's protect their children, all you did was hurt me. I know I'm broken. I know I'm fragile. I know I'm a mess. Why do you feel the need to remind me? I used to be so proud of myself. Out of my biological siblings, I was the only one have a legitimate job, even in high school, over 6 months. I'm the only one to graduate high school. I'm the only one who's gonna go to college. I'm the only one to not be messed up on drugs. I'm the only one to actually do something for myself and not fucking please everyone else. Yes I know I have so many fucking goddamn flaws. You think I don't know every single one? You think I haven't made mistakes? You think I wanted to go to jail? Nope didn't wanna follow your fucking footsteps. NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE. You think I don't have bad habits? I fucking know it, I don't need a reminder. The cigarettes I light keep me calm til I can get something stronger. The liquor makes me lose myself. The weed makes me happy. The xanax makes me forget myself. The hydros makes me see perspective. The other pills keep me just fucked up enough to get through every damn day. Right now you'd think that you'd realize and understand how much I need you. To be there for me. But no! You'd rather have your dick in a twat, than spend time with me. Than fucking be there for me. You're making me feel so worthless. Should I even be here? Should I just leave? When I came home, I thought I got my dad back, but I just got a man I call dad. I don't even fucking know you anymore? Do you even fucking know me?