But mommy loves you

The night we found out I told your Noni about you. She was so excited but I felt no excitement just scared and unsure as to what to do. Of course I would keep I would never harm an innocent child. I wanted you safe and your daddy was so excited to start our family. Eventually we heard your heart beat and daddy smiled and so did I but I felt no connection to that little heart beat, so precious but I thought I feel a better connection when this baby is finally in my arms. As you got bigger we found out you were a boy just what we had hoped for and mommy and daddy were so excited. Mommy started feeling something for you and getting excited to meet you and set up a room for you but I was still uncomfortable and felt awkward talking about you to other people. I even had awkward encounters with my nurses and OB at every appointment. I don't know why bit around other people I just couldn't show my excitement. I nested getting things ready for you for weeks trying to provide the best for you but it was never good enough. When time finally came for you to arrive they cut you out of my body and daddy cut your umbilical cord. When I saw you you looked angry and I felt nothing for you but I figured it was just from all the drugs they had me on. Then when time came to feed you you seemed to be nothing more than a stranger to me. I had created such a strong bond with the baby in my belly that when they took you out of my belly I felt like they stole my child and gave me someone else. I cried for my belly to be full of the life it once held. I felt alone and scared for the child it once held, I just want to protect him again. I took this baby home loving him and caring for him slowly developing a better bond but I miss my old life and sometimes I feel as if I'm not doing a good job caring for him. I named you and I stay up late with you caring for your needs I sleep with you I love you. If I love you so much and try so hard for you why do I feel like a stranger to you? Why do I feel like you're not mine? But mommy still loves you and I always will even if I never feel like your completely mine. 💔