ive failed you.

I'm sitting on my couch, watching my step son play in the living room, while his father is still asleep. Drowning in the feeling of failure. In the feeling of "it'll never happen for me". Today marks one more cycle, one more month, that I've failed in conceiving my own little one. The one thing I've always wanted since I was a little girl, was to be a mom. To feel the nausea, and the discomfort that comes with pregnancy. To know that my body can create life, like it's supposed to. To feel the kicks, to have my stomach stretched out beyond repair. I want all of it. I want a child that I know is mine. I want to feel that motherly bond. I want to be losing sleep cause my little one doesn't know what a normal sleep schedule is. To be woken up at 2am to a bed with monsters underneath. To see my step son be a great big brother like I know he would be. Next month (march 7) it'll mark two years since we started this journey. Two years of negative tests, of heartbreak, of failure. What am I doing wrong? My Fiancee has always wanted a big family. He's always wanted to be a dad, and he got that wish, but I feel like I'll never get mine. I don't even think he completely understands how I feel. His body works, he has that bond with an amazing little boy, but I just get more and more disappointed as every month passes. My heart breaks a little more every time I realise that it was not my month. A little more every time I see a post about a BFP, I want to be happy for you but all I can think is "will it ever be my turn?" Every time I see a bump picture. Everywhere I look all I see are babies. Or pregnant women. Whether it be here, facebook, Instagram, even out in the real world. I'm surrounded every where I go with reminders that I've just failed another month. That no matter what I try, I'm not getting pregnant. No matter how well I track, no matter how many drugs I take, or Preseed I use, no matter how healthy or active I stay, my turn never comes. And every month, I end up in the same spot. On the couch upstairs crying my heart out, while my amazing step son plays and my loving fiancee sleeps. Because every month, I fail you..