Will the sadness ever go away?


So I'm not sure how to begin this post, so please bare with me as I write this post with a heavy heart.

My boyfriend,Nick, and I have decided about 3 years ago that it was time to start expanding our family and that's when I joined Glow. I started tracking everything, figuring out my CM and what was what. I went out and bought ovulation test and used them regilously, after months and months of trying with them I gave up. It was heart breaking, all I wanted was to have a baby with the man I loved and nothing was working. I stop trying for 6 months and then tried again just by using the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android">Glow app</a> and after months of trying again nothing.

So after 3 years of trying, I decided I was going to try a fertility doctor (Little did I know I was already pregnant ) and scheduled my first consolation. I went and spoke with the doctor for about 45 mins and he did a mini exam. He was pretty certain that it wasn't me that was having the problem, but instead it was Nick, bc I have had 2 previous pregnancy before I met nick. ( I had a daughter when i was 15 and then I was raped when I was 17 which resulted in me becoming pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to have the baby, so I had an abortion. I hate myself everyday for what I did that day.) I am now almost 28 and Nick is almost 30.

So over the next week or two I started to feel different, I thought I was getting sick bc I started throwing up at random times mainly after eating anything chicken. So when it was time for my period it was a day or too late nothing too unusual for me, that happened from time to time. I decided to take a pregnancy test that morning, Low and behold it was positive! I couldn't believe my eyes! My prayers have finally been answered, I broke down in tears, I ran from the bathroom and literally threw the test at Nick who was getting ready for work. He looked at the test in confusion and said is this real? I looked at him and cried he came over and kissed my head and hugged me tight. It was the best feeling in the world, I told my sister and my best friend before he told me not to tell anyone. I didn't care I needed someone to talk to about my excitement.

A week or 2 go by and I started to have pains in my lower abdomen and nothing I did made them go away, so after a couple days in pain I decided to go to the ER to make sure everything was okay with the baby. After 5 long hours and a very uncomfortable transvaginal ultrasound, the doctor told me everything looked good and my sac was growing at a good rate. She said even though there wasn't a heart beat bc I was only 5 or 6 weeks that it was normal and that I needed to get another blood test done within the next couple of days bc my hcg count was a little low. So I talked to my Gyn, got the form, went and got the blood work done.

The doctors office called me back a few days later saying that they didn't like that my hcg count barely moved and they needed to see me asap, they believed I was having a false pregnancy. I felt like my heart was in my stomach I called my sister crying telling her what my doctor said and she clamed me down instantly. I went to the doctors office the next day, Nicks mother took me as I was too nervous to drive myself. He came in examined me and told me that I was in the process of having a miscarriage and that if we waited I was going to miscarry within the next couple days and it would be a lot worse then me going in and having a D&C.;

He left the room to leave me to decide what I wanted to do. I called Nick and told him what the doctor said and he said it was my choice and that he's with me no matter what I decided to do. I was at a loss of words. My whole world had been shattered, I've wanted this for so long and now it was being taken away from me in an instant. The doctor also told me that if I didn't miscarry there would be a 99.9% chance that the baby would be born with something terribly wrong or the baby wouldn't survive for very long. With a heavy heart I decided to have the D&C; the very next day. While in the hospital the cramping began again and I was in a lot of pain, the doctor came in and checked me, he said that I was starting to miscarry. I sat in the room by myself for 2 hours waiting for the surgery. I don't think it fully sank in until I woke up and I was no longer pregnant. The next couple of days I just cried and cried. Just 2 weeks after the surgery I had a complete break down in my bathroom and Nick heard me, he came in and just held me trying to comfort me, telling me that it wasn't my fault and that I made the right decision. Even though I was only about 8 weeks when I had the miscarriage it still hurts as if I was 9 months and I feel like everyone who knew is judging me bc I wasn't really that far along, and I'm still sad and hurt bc of losing the baby.... It's now Janurary 28th, 6 weeks after the surgery and I still cry at night holding my belly. I want to be happy for my friends who just recently shared that they were pregnant, but I just can't, mostly I think bc they are due the same time I was.... i don't know how to handle this or to get through this.... I feel like giving up and never trying again. It took us over 3 years to get pregnant, most likely it'll take another 3 years... how do you get over or even through something like this