This will be a long post.

My mother in law is a very sweet woman and I have a fairly good relationship with her but recently we have been butting heads.

MIL asked my husband and I if she can watch our 12 week old son twice a week so she can spend quality time with him. We agreed even though he is so young bc we also needed time to catch up on chores. It’s also a good trial run for when I have to go back to work. Now I’m not so sure I’m comfortable leaving my son in her care.

Last week, without asking, she filed my son’s nails down to the quick. Several fingers were bleeding and the smile line (not sure what the accurate term is) on her fingers are messed up. They used to be perfect half moons and now im just hoping they don’t get infected.

She also took him out on a long walk with his head exposed and a thin blanket. It was around 50F and quite windy. She was wearing a coat but she couldn’t be bothered to cover baby’s head. When I texted her to cover him up, she just said he was warm.

There’s been a nasty and dangerous flu bug going around the Bay Area so I’ve been quite neurotic making sure people my son is in close contact with on a recurring basis have their TDAP and flu shot and are not actively sick.

My brother in law is engaged to a woman who is perpetually sick and he falls ill quite often as well. He also is a recreational marijuana user. For Christmas, they mentioned they use a hand cream laced with THC.

I told MIL I’m not comfortable with either my BIL or his fiancé being around my baby.

When I went to pick up baby today, she said she “allowed” my BIL to hold my son and that BIL was so gentle with my son.

I am LIVID. I don’t know when my BIL is high or is using his marijuana hand cream that could seep into my son’s skin. Not only that, my BIL is sick.

MIL also told me my son only ate 3 oz of milk over the course of 6 hours and she didn’t think that was cause for concern!?? Especially since she exposed him to her sick son? He normally eats 4-5 oz every 3 hours, almost on the dot.

I am so tired. She doesn’t respect my requests and never thinks to ask for my permission if something is okay to do. She always slips it in that she did something to “keep the peace” and not let BIL feelings get hurt at the expense of my son’s wellbeing.

I feel like when I drop him off, she thinks my son is her son and she can do what she wants. She doesn’t even let me hold my baby when I come to pick him up. She drags out the pick up for at least 30-45mins and then just straps him into his car seat.

I want to stop having my son over for his play dates until she starts respect my request, but at the same time I feel a little guilty bc I know she loves my son. I’m also worried bc she wants to buy a car seat for her car and she implied she wanted to take him all over the place which is NOT something I am okay with. I don’t trust her judgment.

Am I overreacting? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

ETA: I just want to make clear I am not trying to keep my son away from my BIL and his fiancé completely...just until the “fourth trimester” is over and when baby’s immune system is a little more mature. I requested BIL and his fiancé to get TDAP and flu shot but they refused. That’s when I asked them to not be around baby until 3 months (first ask), then 1.5 months (second ask) then not when actively sick (third ask) and then to please wear a health mask since they are always sick and want to be close (fourth ask). They didn’t comply with any of my requests.

As some pointed out, my feelings might be coloring my reaction. I think this is a little true in regards to my BIL. I don’t like him and I really don’t like his fiancé lol I do like my MIL which is why I am so flustered by what she’s been doing.

UPDATE: I spoke to MIL about my concerns, respectfully of course, and she basically said though she loves and respects me she doesn’t believe in anything I ask her to do bc he needs to build his immunities. I partially agree but does he really have to be exposed to an actively sick person????