Ever since after the holidays I’ve been trying to not think about ttc. My cycle is so off; i just get stressed out trying to remember to temp, and then use the sticks and figure out which one is closest. The unknown of when AF is even due makes it nearly impossible to try to pinpoint when I ovulate. So I gave up. I tried to not think about the fact that it felt like my uterus was full of spider webs cus nothing has been happening.

I started my 3rd period since August today.

First cycle was 79 days. Second was 38. This one was 54. It was after this cycle day 38, when i knew the BFNs were telling the truth, I got too depressed to even be in the mood. So we barely baby danced this month. I finally caved and started bawling last night after weeks of trying to not freak out. My husband is sweet and tried to be comforting, but he knows he’ll never understand because it’s not even the not getting pregnant that pushed me over the edge. It’s that I don’t have a normal freaking cycle and I feel that I should by now. My mom, sister and friends also try to tell me it’ll be ok and I will get pregnant but they all got pregnant so easily every time they tried. I thought I was gonna be like that too, just like with my daughter, it would happen right away. But here we are getting close to the 6th month of trying and I’m only on my 3rd period.

But being neurotic, nor being depressed, does not help my situation so I’m going to keep trying to not think about it but also not let myself stay in this funk of “I’m never getting pregnant” cus it certainly won’t happen if we don’t do the deed. I got my period finally so that’s what I asked for. and I’ve got 50 shades of gray to start reading again to help inspire some kinky. It’s Valentine’s Day soon, and so why not use this month to at least get back to normal as far as the romance goes. Hell even more often wouldn’t hurt.

If its meant to happen, it’ll happen. In the mean time I’m gonna drink wine and eat things pregnant women can’t.