Swim suits..

So I’m from New England, and recently my husband son and I moved to central Arizona for the winter/spring. Anyways, I’ve always had body issues. Stretch marks galore since I was 13, weight gain/loss, and last summer, pregnancy.. I’ve never been okay with swimsuits. I can wear shorts and tanks any day no problem. But I’ve always been the girl that wears full coverage bathing suits with shorts.. while every single other girl is in a little tiny bikini. In New England it’s easy to just not go swimming because there is the ocean, which is always damn freezing, and lakes, but I have a severe phobia of bottom of lakes. But since we moved to az, our new apartment has a BEAUTIFUL pool literally right outside our unit. I recently bought a new swim suit for the first time in 5 years. And I felt okay at first. The typical “Mom” tankini and half wrap skirt bottom thing. It was a gorgeous day out, and my husband is home in the afternoon, so we decided to take our son into the pool. Nobody was out there so I felt fine at first. Get out there, husbands already done a lap while I’m sitting at the edge with baby in my lap and T-shirt on. 15 minutes later, I still couldn’t take my shirt off. My husband offered to take our baby so I could get in for a few, and I started to agree, but then a couple of girls about my age walk in wearing little tiny strapless bikinis, all oiled and tanned, about to get some more sun. My first thought was, “stare at my husband, see if he looks at them!”. He did, but only to see who was walking in the gate, but didn’t show interest.. I said I’m just gonna go back inside. Baby was tired anyway. So I hurried in, and just cried.. I cried because I’m 21! I love my life and little family more than anything. But I have to body of a 65 year old grandma.. I wish so hard I could be like those girls.. careless about what they wear, and who sees them.. I can no longer even take my shirt off in front of my husband since having my son. He hasn’t seen me naked since I was in labor.. 5 months ago! so yes, we have sex while my shirts on.. I’m so emberessed. I’m ruined. I feel so disgusting. I’m always thinking someone is staring at me in disgust. I don’t feel like I’m pretty enough for my husband. Like he should be ashamed of me. So in the end, I just really HATE swimsuits.. I don’t know how some girls have so much confidence.. I want some of that too 😞