I don’t if everyone feels like this— I think it’s fairly common though— I can’t exactly place finger on if it is a mental condition or not, or if I’m just overthinking something but I could use some advice.

I’m 14 years old and my transition into high-school was fairly easy I had okay grades for the first quarter, and I have made some really good friends, so I thought I was happy( because at the time I was.)

When I was in 6, and 7 grade I was being picked on( online) by some one in my school— I had a very small school so everyone knew everyone and we had one class per grade from nursery through 8— and we both didn’t really like each other but we some what tolerated each other. And let me just say she made me miserable. Some of the things that she said to me were constantly repeated to me by a couple of other kids in the same school. And because of this repetition(it happened in school to a lesser extreme • if you will so it wasn’t just online it wasn’t exactly like I could shut it out or just block the person{now that I think about it that is what I should have done in the first place but because I was young I thought it would be okay} I was wrong) because of the repetition it became so constant it happened everyday she drove me to the edge and I thought about suicide and I even drew cut lines on my arms without piercing the skin so it just looked like an indented scratch that you would get from like scratching yourself to hard with a pen it leaves a small dip in the skin and because it happened everyday I tried to cut if the circulation to my leg using the main vein by using a rubber band- I tried that a couple times but it felt weird so I stopped- I then tried to O.D on Tylenol because I heard that it was a painful death because it starts in your liver and works its way around killing you slowly and painfully but nothing happened so I gave up. She left the school and I was happy for the time being.

Even though in my old school we were all really close like a family I only really had a close group of friends and we don’t talk to each other anymore so I started to not feel happy any more, and being the overweight person that I am I was already self conscious, but I also had acne like most kids but it wasn’t just on my t- zone it was everywhere my checks, my nose, my chin, my scalp, and it didn’t get read there was just a lot of them so already adding to my self esteem (very low might I just add) I wasn’t happy with my self so I thought about it again so I took a knife one night up to my room and decided to give cutting one more chance but it didn’t work so I gave it up, but that still didn’t mean I was happy.

When I went into my high school that I chose to go to so o could distance myself from the people that I knew already and the neighborhood I was there to get a new reputation so to speak as being the person I actually am not the bossy know-it-all that I was (still am) but I didn’t want it to happen and it didn’t because for some reason I have a school persona and a home persona and I don’t know why( another time for that story) I was happy for a while and then thought that one of my best friends was trying to replace me and I felt sad again. It made me really distant I wouldn’t really talk to people unless they were my teacher and I stopped eating all together joiner the fitness club at my school to help me gain some more of my confidence (endorphins u know) but I still don’t feel happy.

I honestly don’t think that I have been happy fir the longest time I think that it is because I don’t love myself enough to be happy I can’t be happy, but I also think that it is something psychological going on with me and my inability to be happy I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk to my school guidance counselor but then of course I wouldn’t know what to say. I want to go see a psychologist to see if there is more going on with me but then of course it’s not my money that is going to pay for this. It’s my parents and they have done a lot for me I don’t even think there is enough nerves in my body to count all that they have done for me.

I’m not really questioning my gender but I did my sexuality for a couple of months— I figured it out I’m hereto-flexible which is like being bisexual but with a preference to your opposite gender but would date the person of the same gender as well. If that helps give me advice.

I hope that just writing it down makes me feel better but even if it does make me feel better I know it won’t last long. Please help me I don’t like not being able to be happy.