Low self esteem and need help with my heart and mind (mental health) issues :(.

hi guys,

first, please, I need support and positivity right now, not negativity or criticism (constructive, yes, that's ok).

I'm feeling pretty sad, and it's my ovulation time, so generally one should be happy.

I live with my parents and do not have much outside of my family life motivating me to be anything.

because of the fear of what my mother would face should I will myself, I have chosen repeatedly to not commit suicide.

this is a good thing, in some ways, and yet, because it is not driven by my own desires to live a life in the world outside of my family's needs, I feel unfulfilled with even having this reason as to why I am still here. I a career reason,a partner reason, a future reason for my own self and my own happy life.

and, as I am moving into a new job in a field I don't really care about, I am sad and anxious and excited at the same time. I am moving for the place, not the job, and the place brought out in me an identity I loved. it was in China, and who I was, how I could express myself-- it was all so wonderful. this is what draws me back. but, the job I would do there, it is teaching, and I thought by age 26/27, I would fit into society with having an established career, and if it wasn't socially acceptable, at least a career I could be proud in and of myself. teaching is not that for me. so, it leaves me heartsick. I have wanted to try burlesque, stripping, or anything that allows me to express my sexuality in a public way. this is not typically seen as healthy or beautiful, but when I lived in Rome, I realized how beautiful the female body was in an artistic sense, and have aspired to be able to express that part of myself somehow. not even "forever," or as a career for the rest of my working life. just once to be able to be that version of me. because of how it is taken--nationally, globally-- as taboo, it scares me to pursue this, even though it is something that has not died inside of me since 2012. I do not want to restrict my sexuality or feminine expression to my lover or a husband, as I feel much more open and wanting to be with the world in that way,and comfortable in doing so. so, this is another of my issues I need help with and have not found a counselor for.

and, last, what has triggered this are, perhaps what people will call "daddy issues." I was able to come back from a trip separately today from my father (he, my mother and I all visited my newborn niece--- 😄😄😄💓💓💓) in NorCal, and upon us coming back separately, I noticed how happy he sounded having spent time with his cousins and on his own. this was so good! how exciting! I wanted to have him stay happy, and felt sad that he is always sounding so stressed around my mother and I. I wondered to myself, how can I adjust or change myself to be someone he can be happy around? except, when he says things to me that I feel uncomfortable with (getting surprised/upset about me taking a more expensive route home when it was better for me and cheaper than the way he thought would be better), I tell him to not say those things or get upset with me over my financial choices that continue to be responsible and reasonable, and then he gets upset and "goes back into his hermit crab cave" (he actually called it that today). I feel horrible because I am setting my boundaries, and he takes it as me attacking him. and, I felt upset that I couldn't help keep this wave of happy for him going. as I type this, I know it is not my responsibility to keep that happy going, but I don't know what to do. he is my father. all this worries me too as I am afraid of how much I will take these behaviors into a romantic relationship in my new/old city. I do want a romantic relationship, but again, am so afraid of the emotional consequences as a result of, in part at least, my emotional lack of boundaries, neediness and worriness. my therapist I cannot go to because she kept emphasizing working on family relationships ( she is a MFT), but I feel so stripped of my autonomy and ability to be myself in my relationships with my family members.

this is all I want to share, and it is a hefty piece. I used to write much more like this in a journal, and wonder if it is appropriate to do so. I am giving it a shot here to try it out.

thank you if you read this far, and even if you have not.

for some reason, pretending I am talking to a bunch of women (and men--strangers!) I don't actually know in person is somehow easier than writing to my journal the ways that I used to. perhaps I should do that and read about that some more.

have a good day and thank you all very much again.

😕😟😢....🤔🙄.