How to help?

Question

Dear Ladies,
I'm asking for your help in helping someone in a similar situation.
My sister just had an ultrasound exam confirming deformities and complications - that means she's about to lose her baby.
I'd like to help her, support her, but I don't really know what I could do.
She's living a very long drive away from me, and I'm home with a very small baby, so I can't just hop over and offer a shoulder and cook dinner for her family.
We're also not very close to each other. (With her current pregnancy, two school aged kids and my baby here we've been talking about some baby stuff, but that's the first time in years we had a topic to really talk about.) I still love her and would like to do something for her, but I honestly have no idea what I can or what she would appreciate.
I feel like an idiot. I've had a lucky life of sunshine so far, have never needed to provide support to someone like this. If I could be physically there, I imagine I'd listen to her if she felt like talking, and I'd take care of household chores so she'd be free to process what's happening, to grieve and heal... But what can I do from here?
Could you please share some ideas and thoughts?

Answer

All I can really add is that I myself feel very and utterly alone. I wish I had someone to just call and vent to or someone to just come sit with me. So my input here would be to make sure she knows that she isn’t alone; even if it’s only by phone call let her know she has you.

Answer

For me it was the the checking in, just a text every week or so asking how I was doing. After a couple months is when it got hard for me- everyone moved on but I was still stuck in grief, and just having someone to still ask how I was doing brightened my day. I had friends bring me dinner and care packages which really helped. I also was given grief books about stillborn/miscarriages and a remembrance necklace. Just prompt her, it’s hard to reach out when you loose a baby so having people checking in really helps. Since you are long distance you could mail her a care package. The worst thing for me was when people didn’t say anything. I know it is because they don’t know what to say or how I will respond but anything is better than nothing. It’s sweet of you to care so much, trust me she appreciates it.

Answer

I experienced two losses last year— an ectopic pregnancy in June and a very traumatic miscarriage when I was almost 11 Weeks in late November. As so many have said, just letting her know she’s not alone and being there for her if she needs to vent is huge. Being so far away makes that hard, but FaceTime or even just quick texts make such a huge difference. But i also found that having something to physically remind me of my babies was so critical in my healing. My mom bought me a necklace that I wear every single day. It’s nice looking down and seeing something that represents my babies hanging so close to my heart. It’s my way of always carrying them with me... Etsy has some great options that are delicate and inexpensive.

Answer

Ive had 2 losses. What helped me was some ppl reaching out to me. Although there were times I didnt want to talk to anyone, some would still text me everyday. It made me feel the support. They understood my way of grieving but were consistent.

Answer

Just let her know that you are there if she needs to talk. Always remember her baby, over a year later it means so much when people remember my son, it means everything that others acknowledge his existence.
Be mindful that she may struggle talking to you knowing that you have recently had a baby. My niece was 5 months old when I lost my son and I struggled a lot. As I live close to my sister I forced myself to see her and spend time with her but it wasn’t easy at first. Even now seeing her running around playing I think to myself that Oliver should be there playing with her.
Text her daily, even if it’s just to let her know you’re thinking of her, even if you don’t get a response. After the funeral people stopped doing that so much with me and it was then that the grief hit me worst and that I felt the most alone.

Answer

When I had a miscarriage the best thing was having someone to talk to. It doesn't matter what you say, her just knowing you're there is enough. If you wanted to send her something, maybe send her a gift card to a restaurant and her and her hubby can have a date night when she feels up for it. I felt like I needed to get out of the house to not sit and feel miserable all the time.

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