Can’t breastfeed 😭😭

I just need to rant because there isn’t one woman I know who has ever gone through this. Before I even got pregnant i knew I wanted to exclusively breastfeed my baby. Once I did get pregnant I took FOUR breastfeeding classes. But I always had a fear I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed because I have small breasts. People assured me size doesn’t not matter and I will be able to breastfeed fine well they were wrong.

I tried to breastfeed my daughter minutes after she was born she wouldn’t latch and after 3 days In the hospital with multiple nurses and lactation consultants trying to get her latch, setting me up with a breast pump and my daughter losing 11% of her body weight and getting jaundice because she wasn’t eating enough they said if I didn’t supplement with formula my baby would starve. So of course I did but I continued to pump hoping my milk would come in and could get her to breastfeed exclusively. My milk did come in but I still had to pump and supplement because my daughter would not latch and if she did she wouldn’t suck and would just start screaming. We tried a nipple shield. We tried using an SNS system but it was struggle at every feeding and I cried every single day feeling like a complete failure. After meeting with 3 Lactation consultants I was told that I cannot produce enough milk to feed my baby and that my size and shape of my breasts is a contributing factor.

So my worse fear something that I feared even more than the idea of childbirth(FTM) came true. I was devastated and still am even tho my daughter is now a month old. I still pump to give my daughter what I can but I don’t even get half an ounce between both breasts at each pumping with pumping every 2-3 hours. I’ve tried fenugreek, drinking lots of water, mothers milk tea, Lactation cookies, lots of skin to skin and have tried to latch my daughter now that’s a little older but she still won’t. I have tried everything I can think of and even though doctors and everyone says she’s doing great and is completely healthy I still feel like a failure because I feel I’m not giving her the absolute best. And now all those breastfeeding classes I took just make me feel worse because they only emphasize how good breastfeeding is and how it’s the best choice and never talked about if you can’t and no one else I know has had any problems breastfeeding. Both my sister in laws breastfed all their kids for a year or more with no problems at all and always have said how it was the best bonding experience with their kids. Everyone told me how much breastfeeding bonded them to their babies when I was pregnant and they asked me if I was going to breastfeed now all those things they said just make me want to cry.

I am also so so tired of people asking me oh are you nursing and I have to say no it didn’t work out or since we’re doing a bottle people ask if they can feed her and don’t understand that I don’t want them too. Or when I told everyone I wouldn’t do pacifiers because I didn’t want to cause nipple confusion but since we’re bottle feeding anyway i decided to give one to my daughter and they give me crap for it like oh I thought you said you wouldn’t do that you made such a big deal of it. I literally have dreams(when I actually get to sleep) that I am able to breastfeed my daughter. I wanted that experience so so badly I wanted to bond with my daughter that way I want to give her the best of everything i can and even though I know she’s doing great, she’s happy and healthy and such a sweet baby I still feel like such a failure and it kills me sometimes and it really sucks that there is absolutely no one in my life that fully understands.

Update: kind of an update at least. More of another rant. I decided last night to stop pumping. My daughter is almost 7 weeks old now and I keep trying to tell myself giving her what breastmilk I could for the first 6 weeks of her life is a big accomplishment but I don’t feel like it is at all. I feel guilty for stopping. My husband went back to work and its hard to do it when I’m all by myself. Last night I was trying to pump and my daughter woke up after sleeping for 4 hours and was hungry and started crying. I tried to sooth her by talking to her and rocking her in bassinet because I had just started pumping but she kept crying and started screaming crying because she was so hungry I felt so bad I just stopped pumping and fed her. Then she wouldn’t go back to sleep or let me lay her down and I was getting so frustrated with her because I was like why won’t you just go to sleep I need to pump for you!! Then it hit me she doesn’t know I need to pump she doesn’t know the difference between formula and breastmilk especially since she gets so little, all she knows is mommy is getting frustrated with her and doesn’t know why. And I figured the frustration of constantly watching the clock and of her not going to sleep or staying calm when I need to pump or forgoing time to eat or get in a nap because I need to pump, spending money on pills and teas and ingredients to increase my supply and ultimately resenting pumping and constantly stressing about it isn’t helping my bond with my daughter. I figured breastmilk isnt the most important thing I can give her but love, time and attention without feeling frustration or resentment is. Because I know she can feel it when I’m frustrated. But even though I know all that I still feel guilty for stopping because I can continue and I’m choosing not to I feel like I’m just being lazy. Mom guilt is definitely a very real and very powerful thing. I hope eventually I can accept my decision and stop hating my own body for not being able to provide for my baby girl but right now although the day has been so much easier without constantly being on a time limit to do things, I feel guilty and mad at myself and like I’m a bad mom.